My basic problem is that my wife believes that I have a choice about my sexuality.

She thinks as long as I accept myself as a BL that I'm choosing boys over her.

Since coming here and hearing all the testimonies and since spending 3 years in counseling.... I've come to believe that I don't have a choice.

However, since I have so much to lose in terms of my marriage and potentially my kids I find myself compelled to ask the question... do I have a choice?... Is there ANY thing I could do to get attracted to my wife... or at least have sex with her for her own sake (ie: without thinking about boys).

It doesn't help that the church I go to also believes I have a choice.
An elder recently told me that "God will deliver you." He suggested that if I'm not getting delivered its because of something I'm holding on to. I don't believe this... but one has to ask oneself if there maybe something in their words I need to listen to.

I read Neil Anderson (because he thinks as my wife does and because he claims to have seen people delivered from 'bondage to homosexuality') and he says, Renounce your homosexuality as a lie and believe that as a new creature in Christ you can love a woman as you were created to do. So much of me wants to believe that this is true and possible... but experience, psychology and the multitude of the testimonies of the undelivered tell me otherwise. Surely we can't all have it wrong!

Then I hear Robert-I talking about surrogacy and I know I just can't go there anymore. It IS wrong. Neither my wife or I like it... so what am I doing it for?... well, I'm not. Unless I can have sex with her because I want to be with her, then I'm not going to do it.

I live in fear that I'm making wrong choices. It seems to me that every time I pray God encourages me to stick with the marriage, but how to function sexually I do not find. I can't walk on two paths... which one is correct?

The other day I told my wife that I want to keep working towards a functional marriage. I'll keep going to counseling to deal with my 'woman hating' issues and hope that there may be some breakthrough, though I'm not expecting success short of a miracle. I asked her to endure with me a while longer if she can... and if she won't then we can separate. I told her that if she stays with me its still going to be painful. She asked if I was trying to dis wade her from continuing.... I said, no, that I was asking her to count the cost.

She asked, 'do you still think your sexuality is boys?' I said 'yes, for now', she said 'forget it!'
She said I need to hate that I was 'molested' as an 8 yo, see that it was horrible and grieve over it. But it wasn't horrible, it felt great. "Lord forgive me that I enjoyed it."
What more can I do?

Blessings
Cat.