God loves you, and you are certainly sincere and your heart is struggling for the best. Expect great mercy even if you make an error.

There is a handy book by Rev. Sylvia Pennington that can be obtained used from Amazon [http://www.amazon.com/Ex-gays-there-are-none-creature/dp/0961685328} called Ex-Gays, there are none. What it means to be a new creature in Christ.

The late Rev. Pennington (who I had the good fortune to meet) was a heterosexual woman who was sent by her church as a Christian missionary to the gay community of San Francisco. To her great surprise, she reached the conclusion that loving same-sex relationships were godly and eventually she became a pastor in the gay-positive Metropolitan Community Church. She wrote a couple of other very readable, well thought and warm books on her discoveries as she got to know gays, ex-gays, and many many ex-ex-gays.

My own perspective is that there is an experience of liberation from your existing personality that is sought in all religions and in some forms of Christianity has become entirely merged with the idea of becoming new in Christ. The reason is that many people have this breathtaking experience at the moment they accept Jesus Christ, and He fills their whole life. The denominations that are transfixed by this experience don't believe you can become Christian without it, or that you can get in in another way. But in fact, it is the first stage of enlightenment in zen buddhism and can even be obtained via philosophy or psychology. And you can be a perfectly good Christian without having this event as the founding moment of your intimacy with Christ. In my case, I underwent this event first and became Christian later.

Well, this personality catharsis does indeed give the illusion you can change your sexual orientation, simply because you see you are free to try nearly anything without worrying about "this is me." Unfortunately, though, it only gives you access to as much alternate sexual orientation as you already possess... it can turn you straight if you are kinsey 4 bisexual because you have some resources to work with, but not if you are kinsey 6 homosexual. On the other hand, nearly anyone, even those nearly nauseated by heterosexuality, have some ability just as horny young humans to give it a go and achieve an orgasm, just as they would be able to do if someone authoritatively insisted they have sex with an ewe. Being so free, they may very well plunge into this forced-wrong-sex lifestyle, but it tends to get old very quickly, and it doesn't hold up well to turning 50 when some actual sexual excitement may be required to initiate an erection.

As Sylvia points out, becoming a new creature in Christ doesn't mean violating your own ineluctable reality (not that she uses that word, she's sort of a people person) and getting completely off the track of where your natural love naturally can best complete itself. It doesn't mean bamboozling yourself into making promises you can't keep, and then having to pray in puzzlement and futility for extra personality pieces your body doesn't happen to own. (Sexuality, being biologically evolved, is physically encoded in your brain, not just spiritually encoded in your personality).

"My yoke is easy and My burden is light," says the Lord. The baffling, sisyphean task of trying to find heterosexuality in a non-heterosexual brain has not been laid upon you.

Of course, being married does give you incentive to do a great deal of searching just in case there might be a heterosexual impulse lurking somewhere, or something hiding among your intrinsic sexual mysteries that can be transformed into a heterosexual impulse. But the Lord is a good guide, I think if you had it the holy spirit would have shown you the way.

If you feel obliged to become a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, that's allowed. There is no easy solution to this situation but I can sure feel it, the Lord's light yoke may actually entail some heavy work and even martyrdom, but there is so much joy in it because you know you are following love that it is light indeed. A tough question: what outcome would strike you as loving and godly but also a great relief?