Christian BoyLove Forum #66714
My nick is Confidential and I used to be a pedophile.
That's correct, I USED TO BE A PEDOPHILE. What I mean by that is that even though i used to have sexual thoughts about children, I now pretty much never have them, even when looking at them (the occasional sexual thoughts happen around once per 3 months).
About 3 years ago i started having sexual thoughts about younger children(I'm 17 now). Having realized that I was having pedophilic thoughts, I started searching information about pedophiles in the Internet. I realized that even when a child agrees for sexual relations with an adult, the little one will eventually be hurt emotionally.
At first I thought that I would have to live with that defect and just try not to harm anyone because of it. But I also knew that any sexual fantasy about children would be a sin of lust, so I tried not to think of them like that.
Every time I would think of anyone sexually, I would think about something else (usually a video game that I was really into at the time) or try to clear my head of any thoughts. If I began expanding the fantasy, I would know that I have commited a sin. Afterwards, at the first possible occasion, I would go to the church and confess it. The most important thing is that after every such event I would pray to God for forgiveness and strength to shut down such thoughts. Also, I would ask him to free me of those thoughts (basically, I asked him to free me from my pedophilia). I treated it as a flaw that I needed to get rid of in order to be closer to God. And being closer to God is what matters the most in Christianity. I believed that this defect was removable and that God could heal it for me.
The process was moderately hard. I did my best. When I came close to schoolyards, I looked away. Every time i saw a child in my age of interest I would preventively clear my mind until it was out of my sight.
Around that time I also started to be more religious. I started reading the Bible, learned more about the Holy Spirit and Jesus, and God. Praying with the Bible is a great thing. Every part of the Gospel contains a lesson that you can include into your daily life or your current problems.
As time progressed, the treatment was getting easier and easier. After a while I realized I was cured. I could look at children within my age of interest and not have any sexual thoughts. The rare sexual thoughts come almost only after I had moved away from God by comitting a different sin first.
If you are interested in healing yourself from pedophilia, start by limiting your occasions to sexually think about children. First of all, don't masturbate. Try to never focus your attention on a child in your age of interest.
Even if you do the above, sexual thoughts WILL come to your head, but they aren't sinful, as long as you shut them down instantly (look at nr 4 in the Bible section). You need to be able to recognize that you are thinking dirty in a split of a second. Whenever you have a thought like that, think about something else and pray to God. Ask him to take that vision away from you (in my experience, the same thought returns to your head around 2 times without additional prayer).
Remember - it's God who's healing you, not yourself. Constantly ask him for strength to repel the thoughts, guidance and to be freed from your flaw. Take the strength to keep going from the divine presence in the Body of Christ, try not to sin at all and to have as close a relationship with God as you can.
It is critical that you don't think of yourself as a pedophile. You are just an individual on his way to clear himself from all sin and a nasty occasion of sin (the sexual thoughts about children). Therefore I strongly suggest that you stop reading this kind of websites. Pedophilia is what makes you a part of this community and reading about other pedophiles might make you feel like one of them.
This healing is a hard road to take, but how rewarding! I would like to help you to undertake it. "Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven" (Mt 18, 19). I will be there to support you and pray with you and for you. You can message me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'd appreciate if you let me know when you begin this treatment, so I can help you via email and prayer. In your messages please don't write any graphic descriptions of anything sexual, for my sake.
There are a lot of fragments of the Gospel that can help you with your healing.
1.Mark 9, 14-29
The evil spirit in this part of the Bible is exactly how I see pedophilia in a person's life. It's something that, by bringing sexual thoughts into your head, tries to make you sin by following the fantasy. Going on with the fantasy is weakening our link with God, just like throwing yourself into fire or water can weaken your body.
You can do one of the two things: continue living with the "evil spirit" and risk dying in a fire or in water, or tell God: "I do believe! Cure me of my unbelief!" and ask him to remove the fault.
Ask God to watch you as if you were the boy. Whenever the "evil spirit" acts, let him hold you away from dangers of lust and seeing people as objects. Meanwhile, ask him to remove the source of sexual thoughts itself.
Exactly like the evil spirit in this fragment, pedophilia can seem impossible to heal. Yet for God nothing is impossible. As long as you pray and have strong faith, you can rid yourself of anything that holds you away from God.
2.Mark 11, 20-26
As soon as you start asking God to heal you from pedophilia, consider it done. From that time on any sexual thought (even if you shut it down instantly) is a failure for you(but not a sin, look at nr 4). Ask God for forgiveness for your lack of strength and faith and ask him again to heal you from your pedophilia, because even though you were healed, you had brought it back on yourself. A mindset like that will help you to increase your faith and help God to help yourself.
3.Mark 5, 25-34
With enough faith in God, you can be healed from what seems impossible to be healed.
4.Matthew 15, 10-20
The sexual thoughts that come to you regardless of your intentions aren't sins (this is what comes into you). What matters is what you do about them. If you stop thinking about them instantly, then you can keep your heart clean from the sin of lust.