I'm just not happy.
I feel like, time doesn't even exsist anymore. Like, this 'life' thing is over-rated. I wish I was filled with the Light of God. For the last 4-5 months I haven't given a crap about God or what he has to say. And no point in pretending that I'm giving one at this very moment. I - I want to follow God, but that means I have to account for my behavior, explain to my friends that no, it's not okay to cuss all the time and make sex jokes and talk about porn. That seems to Hypocritical, but if I stay where I am at, that makes me one too. Like I'm not suicidal, but I don't really care about life. I could die, and I feel like I'd miss nothing. I'm extremley upset that God keeps putting men - you know what - just a side not, i say men, because really - I'm not in love with boys. I find some cute, hot even, funny - one might have a nice butt - but I don't dream, lust whatever about having sex with them. Anyway, God keeps putting men that I fall in love with in my life. I think about them all the time, how beautiful they are, how warm and smooth thier bodies are. it just upsets me - to know, that i'll never be able to hold them like I want too - without pissing someone off. I can't stand it. I - I just can't. Everyone is all "trust God" and blah blah blah, I can't just do that blindly, ya know? I do that enough, I already believe in a God I cannot see, because I have felt him. I do not 'feel' answers. I don't even know answers exsist, I just - I need more then following blindly, giving my situation, is that really - all in all - is that really too much to ask for? I hear the reason people cut themselves because when they can't feel anything at all - they'd rather feel pain then nothing - it's not that I don't feel anything - but literally - my God says I can't feel this way. Okay, well, he doesn't literally say that, but he might as well have, I can't think of any situation that feelings are just feelings - they're only the icing on a cake, there is so much more to it, so much more i can't have. I'm okay with not having it - I'm not okay with not haivng it AND having no answers, no reassurance.

All I want is the oppertunity to know what the HECK I'm supposed to do with myself.