as a fellow rebel, I know what you going through. I aint going to try to post an answer as there aren't any of the kind that you are looking for anyhow and anyway my own life is such a strange mess at the moment I'm not in an answering frame of mind.
You might find this psalm 'helpful' - no answers here, but I memorised it for when I get into a hole.

How many are my foes O Lord
How many I rising up against me.
How many are saying about me:
'There is no help for him in God!'

But you Lord are a shield about me;
my glory who lifts up my head.
I cry aloud to God;
He answers from his holy mountain.

I lie down to rest and I sleep;
I wake for the Lord upholds me
I will not fear even thousands of people
who are ranged on every side against me.

Arise Lord! Save me my God!
You who strike all my foes on the mouth.
Oh Lord of salvation:
Bless your people.