First though, let me say this: I do not believe gay relationships are good at all, and I believe man is to lay with woman. In this post; do not mistake what I want with what I believe.

Being graduated for a little while now, I have had a lot of time to think, and I have a lot of time to think until I go to basic later this year.
I am a bit discouraged because I just feel like I am living a phony life. I believe in God and I know my seat is heaven is reserved, but I feel like I am not doing anything at all. I don't BELIEVE IN God, as in, I don't feel like he is going to use me for something great. With all this, I am trying to spend a lot of time with my best friend, while all this, I just want to be with him, like I said, don't get that mixed up with what I believe. Like, my theory is, the reason someone isn't gay, is because they won't 'try it'. My best friend is one of those. We are so close, and I know if we could, we would be happy, and in love. But at the same time, I am 'speaking' to a girl whom I find interesting, and can share my thoughts with. It's like I have this BURNING IMPOSSIBILITY in my heart and it drives me nuts. But in all this, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him... just not like.. that. That I believe will happen.