Christian BoyLove Forum #65438
I've trolled this board for a bit before deciding to dive in and participate. I am a Christian who struggles with an attraction to boys. So this board is the perfect place for me.
I've chosen the handle The Weeping Prophet, Jeremiah's nickname, as I often feel like Jeremiah. I am persecuted for my sexual desires (though no one knows they are doing this). I haven't shared this with anyone.
You can call me WP, or spell it out if you'd like. You can call me Jeremiah if you'd like, or a Boy Named Sue. ;)
I'd like to help offer and find support here. I admit at the time of me writing this, I'm definitely having a lot of emotional turmoil and I feel like I have no where to go.
I'm going to go ahead and share my story, and if you'd like to take the time to read it, go ahead. I just need to get this off my chest and share it with someone who might listen and be able to understand.
I developed a sexual awareness earlier than most my peers. I remember writing out sexual fantasies as young as the 4th grade (9 years old) on a computer. I think my brother found them one day but my parents never found these stories. They were mostly about me being a hero and saving and then having sex with girls (my own age).
In middle school I remember beginning to develop an attraction to other boys. I wasn't so much alarmed as I was curious. I remember having a shift from sexual fantasies about girls to about boys, though I had an attraction to both.
In high school I had to shower with other boys because well, that's high school locker rooms for you. And I remember feeling an attraction to some of the boys then, too. That was hard... no pun intended... trying to shower without getting caught peeking.
Probably the hardest thing to admit is the stuff I found on the internet that helped feed this lust, in chat rooms when I was in middle school and file sharing services I used in high school. I got caught a few times and my parents took my computer away from me. But they never dealt with the issue. I don't think my mom could believe that I could be gay. Or a pedophile.
As I grew older, my attraction to girls continued to grow with me. I would consider myself straight in that regard.
But my attraction to boys stayed the same age. So I'm not sure I'd consider myself gay, because I do not find men attractive, but I am attracted to boys, generally ages 11-14.
I felt God calling me to deal with my pornography habit in high school. I went to my pastor and admitted that I had a problem and mentioned that some of the feelings were for other guys. At the time, the age difference was so small I didn't feel like a pedophile. I just thought it was homosexual thoughts.
I moved to college and never really dealt with the issue. It was in college I really started to notice the age discrepancy. I knew I liked boys. Young boys. Boys who were hitting puberty but not quite done yet.
Here's the real kicker. I felt (and continue to feel) called by God to serve in some capacity with youth. But am I lying to myself in order to get close with boys? Or is my pedophilic attraction an attack of the devil trying to ruin God's call in my life?
I enjoy ministering with youth, even on trips when there are no boys that I find attractive. So I truly believe that God has called me to do youth ministry.
But am I a ticking time bomb? Will I eventually get tired of the fantasy and act out and end up on the news and in jail? That's the worst fear of my life. I don't want to act out. I don't even want these lustful thoughts in the first place.
I believe God is working in my heart and has been for the past couple of months. I believe he's doing some real heart surgery, exposing some of the dark parts of my heart that I've never dared to deal with.
My sexual frustration is only a part of the picture. I also deal with low self-esteem that I manage by absorbing the attention I get from the youth with whom I work. I have made an idol out of my position of authority, because it boosts my self-esteem.
The worst part is I have, for lack of a better term, a huge crush on this one boy at church who, it's almost like he knows I am attracted to him and purposely tries to make me miserable by pretending to flirt. You know how some guys pretend to be gay with one another? Well, he'll do that with me. He'll try to hug me if the girls his age are hugging me. He'll randomly try to sit in my lap. He'll sit next to me and put his arm around me and try to hold my hand with interlocking fingers. And it's not just child's play, this kid is 14. Sometimes I guiltily play along because for a split second I can pretend that it's real. Most of the time I push him away (physically) in order to prove my straightness and keep myself safe.
For the first time in my life I want to do something about this. To move on. To let God heal me of my emotional wounds and my idols of lust. I'm entering a season of pruning and I need some folks to encourage me as I journey down this long, dark, painful, but ultimately freeing road. I don't know if this is the place for that but I hope that you guys will understand.
I'm going to meet with a close friend soon with whom I can confide about my pornography habits (gay and straight porn) so that I can stop giving the devil a foothold in my private life. I want to start meeting with a professional Christian counselor who can help me as I seek emotional healing. And I'm going to ask some mentors/peers of mine to pray for me as I journey through this.
Do I expect to lose my attraction to boys? No. But up until now I haven't managed it in a healthy way. Sure, I've never acted out. But I've let it settle to the point that it has eaten away at my soul and create an emotional need for them that I can easily mask under the guise of "youth ministry."
What I'm hoping for is freedom. Freedom to find my whole identity in Christ. Freedom to flee from sexual immorality. Freedom to live out the calling God has placed on my life without guilt or shame.
I want to close out by posting the words from Psalm 51, which has become very meaningful to me:
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Your Brother in Christ,
The Weeping Prophet