Christian BoyLove Forum #65291
I've just found this site looking up ways to cure pedophilia. I have been dealing with this for 5 years now. im 18 years old. i at first became wildey depressed when it hit the hardest and i realized what my fantasies were about on a weekly basis. and when i went online for pornography i also from 13 years of age every once and while would look up these words little girl porn. at the time i didnt know child porn was illegal and also nearly impossible to find. i embarresed that i know that child porn is possible to find. though ive never downloaded any thing ive come across many pictures. Any ways ive been adictted to porn for 5 years of my life. i had many bad sexual bad incounters. ive never had sex though. or any form of it. oral anal or vaginal. ive saving myself for marriage. IM getting off subject. i been dealing with small amount of pedophilia until these last 2 years. at first i wanted to kill myself. i thought to myself how could any christian who knows Jesus like little girls. i didnt ever want to hurt anyone so i just desided that was the best opption. i knew i couldnt tell mt parents they would diss own me. my mom would hate me my dad wouldnt trust me around little kids girls or guys. even though its just girls peope who dont have this illness dont really understand they just choose to fear it or be mad at it. any way im 18 now and have no idea how to make this feeling stop. i believe the type of porn i looked at contributed to my ailment. i looked at many cartoon child porn websites. I only really started to view them these last 2 years. and everything became worse. then 6 months ago i stumbled across actual child porn. i viewed it and masterbated. i died a liitle bit that day and every thing became so much worse after that. the feeling the thoughts the attractions got younger the feeling like fire. i didnt know whT TO DO. and during the time that this was all going on a family with six preteen girls all cuter than the last moved into my house because they got kicked out of there house. 3 months they lived with us.... it was intense. not that i thought i was going to to any thing, because i have failsaifes in my heart and mind. first run away and never go back. second kill myself. yet i leet myself get way to close relationship wise to these girls. but it felt like the part that they filled in my heart is the part that was gone from my little sister dieing 3 year prior. she was only 8. it almost killed me after that. she battled cancer for 3 years. besides all this i just want helpo in my daily walk with Christ to get through this crap. you can tell by how choppy my writing is i could never write a book. :) i need help with this issue so any body please?