Christian BoyLove Forum #64621
I am still learning about myself as I experience new things and having a younger friend has thought me a lot about myself and my values. Being as a fussy and extremely selective of a BL as I am its not often that I see a boy that who I fall in love with and at first I thoughtI was lucky enough to meet a 13 year old major cutie, but now I'm not so sure it was such a good thing meeting him.
Before I met him I had already established some values and beliefs in concrete and come to certain conclusions in my mind that I would under
no circumstances aver be sexually active with a younger person, not just for legal reason but also because I believe young people often make hasty uninformed choices and decisions based on impulse, mood and hormones only to later feel regret. Even if they were comfortable with a sexual interaction at the time the fact that society views on pedophilia is enough to leave a child feeling abused so whatever the reason its not worth gambling with a child mental health and well being if we truly care about them...
So anyways my point is I am against sexual interaction with minors and I am celibate but here I have an extremely cute YF, at first I thought it was great and my YF is heterosexual, really interested in girls, doesn't like to be affectionate with guys and doesn't like to be hugged which kinda makes it easier for me to uphold my values but at the same times its a double edged sword...
I am starting to feel hurt being around him because I really like him, and he doesn't like me the same way, it reminds me of those movies where a girl thinks a guy is gay and they become friends but in fact his in love with her and its tearing him apart inside. So what am I going to do ? just continue to be friends with him for the sake of having a boy in my life? well no, I find that we as Bl's take the "beggars cant be choosers" mentality when it comes to boys. Had we been a heterosexuals and met a women we loved who had no interest in us or wasn't putting out sexually or romantically we would have moved on and continued seeking someone more compatible. Well in this case I am not seeking a boy who will be sexually active with me but I am also not happy being in love with someone who is unresponsive and oblivious to my love.
MY YF sees me as a peer rather than older person, also the fact that I am fairly young and physically appear like a teenager we used to hang out a lot. So he calls me a few days ago to come over to my house for a sleep over so we can watch movies and play video games and I ended up making some excuse that I had family plans just to avoid him. I ended up choosing to isolate myself all over again. I don't know maybe I am also just depressed and I don't want to be around people lately but I still don't want him over and lusting over him and feeling like some pervert whilst he just enjoys a regular friendship. Its not that I am worried about self control, its more the fact that I have accepted our boundaries and I know nothing more is ever going to happen other then its going to continue hurting me inside feeling the way I am. His a smart kid I'm not just going to sit there and stare at his face all day. Sure I have fun spending time but it also eats me in the inside and is very painful just having him there but at the same time being so distant from him, its like I am watching him from behind a glass cage.
If he wasn't so dam cute at least I could have just continued being friends with him but what I have going on now just isn't working for me. I know I'm probably not conforming to society's stereotypical expectations from me as a BL by pushing away a boy who wants to spend time with me,but I seem to have complex emotions and thoughts. I know he can never love me the way I love him and that alone is a deterrent for me. I respect him and myself enough to not never attempt an inappropriate move on him, even if I got a hug out of him its doesn't mean as much because I know he doesnt like me the way I like him.
A part of me wishes he was gay and loved me and desired me that it wasn't illegal to be with boys and I could tell him I was a Bl and he would love me back and it was morally and socially acceptable but I recognize that's all just all a fantasy , and me being the logical, rational and realistic person I am I end up responding in the most realistic and instinctive way possible by accepting the circumstances for what they are and reacting by pushing him away. But in conclusion am I a selfish and bad friend for pushing him away just because being attracted to him is hurting me and I realize that he has nothing to offer me other than basic friendship which I should be just content with?