Christian BoyLove Forum #63897
I met him during a bike ride, a 13 year old extremely handsome boy. After a passing hello we saw each other a few more times eventually becoming best friends. We met up every day to hang out and he stayed over on the weekends. I worshiped him and treated him like a prince, I met his every needs buying him whatever he wanted, taking him to wherever he wanted to go, I tried to mentor him, helped him with his homework and supported him in all his goals and ambitions and tried to be there for him emotionally.
I know that caring for him as much as I did was a mistake but I have never had many friends and I have always felt alone for the majority of my life, which is probably why I value friendship and companionship above anything else. When I have been alone I have hated life and felt suicidal and when I met him I was the happiest I have ever been, I thought if I made him happy too our friendship would last forever, but i was wrong, after 5 months of amazing friendship he rang last week to tell me he no longer wanted to be friends with me and it was over.
It was one of the most shocking and heartbreaking moments in my entire life, I feel betrayed, used, unappreciated and discarded. It was so unexpected. We had never even had a fight or argued about anything. I had always treated him with respect and despite my attraction to him i never once acted inappropriately or showed any signs of being a BL, after all his friendship to me was more important than anything else and I would not have jeopardized that for the world. I even asked him occasionally if he was happy with our friendship and if anything bothered him which he always replied to saying how great and fantastic it was. He seemed so happy the entire 5 months we spent together just having pure fun. So how do you go from being best buds to suddenly not being friends?
When he first old me I thought he was just joking, and but when it became apparent he wasnt I was still in disbelief and in tears asking why, what, how? He said there was two reasons which seemed to contradict each other as the first reason was that I was "too nice and he didnt think he deserved me" and the second reason was that he believed I was "trying to change him". I asked him to elaborate asking how I tried to change him but he refused saying he had already told me the reasons...
He somehow interpreted my mentoring as me trying to change him, and he never even confronted me about it being a problem and went straight to cutting of the friendship. The only changes I tried to make was what I believed to be positive to make him into a better young man such as to trying to get him to stop smoking, to be more polite and appreciative, not to steal, to practice some basic hygiene like asking him to wash his hands before dinner, saying hello and bye to my parents when he comes over, some common courtesy, mutual respect and manners which he didnt seem to mind at the time.
Then suddenly he tells me its over, he never even gave me a chance to change anything that may have bothered him and furthermore every time I asked him how everything was he said it was great. I dont understand how 5 months of friendship could be discarded without even a second thought. I told him that he should know how easy going I was and that I would gladly have fixed anything about myself that bothered him it and begged him to give me a second chance but he replied saying he had made up his mind. How can he be so cruel and heartless, especially when we have spent every day together for 5 months and when i have always put his needs before mine and always tried been there for him. Its like none of it means anything to him. Its like hes not himself at the moment, the fun, caring and compassionate young man I knew has suddenly disappeared and its place is this cruel heartless monster. I just want him back to normal.
I have been so confused and devastated ever since this incidence. I feel so inadequate as a person as I couldnt even manage to keep a friendship. I have been crying every day and at my lowest point ever. I have this horrible feeling of pain in my chest. Its like my best friend suddenly died and I am morning his loss, one minute he was there and the next he was gone out of my life, except he wanted it that way and I cant understand why. Its like one of those bad dreams you have and when you wake up you feel a sense of relief that it was just a dream but in this case as absurd as the situation is, it is very real and I cant seem to come to terms with it.
Then a few days later he calls me saying he was sorry and realized how much I had done for him and the positive changes in his life I had made and that he wanted to be friends again. With those words it was like a sunrise inside that dark place he abandoned me in. I felt happy but at the same time I wanted to be cautious and said it was great but his actions had made me lose trust but I would give him another chance. Then for two days I was happy again, my appetite came back and I was able to sleep but this was short lived
I let two days pass before asking to meet up. I went to his house and told him lets start over fresh and to shake hands over it agreeing to give our friendship another chance but he refused to meet my hand shake, once again expressing his rejection of our friendship. I asked what was going on especially after he was the one who had called me to be apologizing and asking for a second chance but he replied saying that was two days ago and that everyday was a different day. Once again tears filled my eyes and I left there feeling rejected and hurt and like he was just playing yoyo with my emotions. Its now been 4 days since and I have not heard back from him, once again I have been feeling the impact of losing my best friend and furthermore the confusion from the cruel mind games he has subjected me to.
I guess this is the dark side of being a BL as you leave yourself vulnerable to being played with and tossed aside like an overused toy by immature moody confused kids who dont seem to know any better. But I want to finish of asking for advice from you guys in regards to coping with this loss and how to deal with the pain and hurt. Before I met him I was in a horrible place feeling suicidal and I spent what felt a like a lifetime hating the loneliness, he made me happy beyond words and now his gone that horrible empty feeling has returned worse then ever. I miss him so much.