Christian BoyLove Forum #63911

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Posted by Eldad on 2010-11-15 10:40:19, Monday
In reply to Great words....... posted by Anonymous Speaker on 2010-11-14 23:51:24, Sunday

There's a balance to be struck here. On one side is the precipice of handing your serenity to a boy. On the other side is the equally problematic place of being so closed off to the world that you flee any real relationships (Pink Floyd 'The Wall' anyone?). To form a meaningful relationship means, by definition, to take the risk of rejection / hurt / heartbreak; the more deep it is, the more risky it will be, BUT the more supportive and positive it will be. Of course the ultimate human relationship is marriage where there should be total trust and openness.

As BLs, we are by definition in danger of going to far with our YF - not only physically(!) but emotionally. We have to realise that we can't have marriage type relationship of true equality and total sharing with a boy who is, by definition, emotionally immature. The trouble is that we are predisposed to do so - the hard coded impulse is for humans to look for a relationship such as marriage in their lives - so we will tend to follow the script. But ultimately it's going to leave us messed up AND HURT OUR YF who won't be able to be what we want, and so at best will end up feeling guilty that he can't be the true partner we are seeking, and at worst will follow the script and offer himself sexually in an attempt to be that partner that the man he loves needs.

So what is the answer? Assuming that we don't end up married, it's about finding people with whom we can form the relationships we need - places where we can have fun, where we can share what's really going on in our life, where we can just hang out. Different people will fulfil these roles for us at different times of our lives; one of the challenges of being single is the need to work at a variety of different relationships all the time rather than having a single one on which to base our life because people will play different roles in our lives at different times. And we can expect God to provide them - they're as necessary for our well being as food and clothes - though that's not an excuse to hide in your room and demand that He sends someone to the door!

Of course for each of us that's going to look quite different - some of us need a lot of people around us all the time, others need swathes of time to be alone etc etc. And we need to recognise that others have the same needs - never assume that just because someone appears to have it all together that they are doing fine: churches can be terrible at this - all presenting smiling shiny faces because to do otherwise is understood to be suggesting God's not real because everything not right in your life. Easy? Of course not - but it's as we do hard stuff we grow (no pain, no gain...)

[On the subject of marriage, I think one of the problems with modern society is the assumption that your spouse will supply ALL your emotional needs, and therefore a sense of failure when that isn't the case, leading to belief that therefore it's not working as a marriage. This imposes extra stresses on the partners to live up to the ideal, and also tends to exclude other friends of the couple who get the message that they are now intruding on the relationship of the 'happy couple' - leaving us singles outside the magic circle AND them struggling...]

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