Christian BoyLove Forum #63900

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Re: My YF Hurt Me So Bad

Posted by Eldad on 2010-11-14 18:39:57, Sunday
In reply to My YF Hurt Me So Bad posted by Rejected on 2010-11-14 17:06:17, Sunday

I've never been dropped so totally by a YF, but I can relate to having had one who meant everything to me, to the point where I let him do whatever he wanted with me. Not recommended. But it's a danger we face - those of us BLs who aren't the outgoing friendly types are liable to find it hard to make friends, so when the boy of our dreams surfaces in our lonely lives, we get it all wrong...

One interpretation of the situation is that your belief that you never 'showed any signs of being a BL' is quite simply wrong; that in fact he picked up on your attraction and was increasingly unhappy about it. But he's not going to say that - so he says other things. There's no real solution to this - even if we do avoid anything inappropriate, the reality is that 80% of communication is non-verbal. In some cases this leads to the boy making a pass at us - and we need to be prepared for that possibility - in others it will cause him to run a mile. So that's one possibility here.

The other issue is the role of his parent(s). What do they make of you? Their 13 yo son is spending EVERY DAY with a far older man. How good is your contact with them? Could you talk about what's happened with them - and make it clear that he's welcome back - or not - though getting to the point where he's coming to you because his parents want him to and he doesn't probably wouldn't be a good outcome... And what do your parents make of him and your relationship with him?

If he doesn't come back into your life, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that you will get over it eventually - but the bad news is that it's likely to take months not days. You are faced with a classic mourning situation - and need to realise that and not pretend otherwise. Mourning takes time and effort. One of the features of modern society is that there is so little experience of death in our lives that we don't know how to cope when sudden and painful loss does happen. If you want a heavy weight introduction to the subject, this seems like a good site

but the summary graph, showing immobilisation, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression is a good reminder that all those things are likely to be welling up in you - aggravated by the fact that the door is not finally nailed shut, he might come back...

But the long term answer lies in starting to address the fact that you - like I tend to be - are fundamentally lonely and isolated. This is hard to break out of, but it can be done; your first port of call should be your church, because it's there we SHOULD be able to find the real relationships that we need. Unfortunately in the real world a lot of churches aren't good - especially for single males over a certain age. Do you find church to be a place you can join stuff? Or is it just the place you've always gone and there's virtually nobody your age? If it's really doing you no good, now might be a time to start a round of church visiting to see what else is out there locally.

Work on the relationships that you do have. My college friends have been an amazingly supportive group over the years, though the fact that they are dispersed around the world limits how much I can get to see them.

Look for volunteering opportunities. The obvious thing is the church youth group - and if it doesn't have one, then that's probably a sign you're not in the right church: teenagers don't put up with a church where there's nothing real going on. Therefore they are an indicator as to the reality of the life in a church... But if not church there's scouts etc. Or maybe avoid boys and find another area - real friendships can grow as you do any sort of work together.

Use the internet for good stuff: find things you are interested in and find discussion boards where you can talk about them. It's not the ideal, but it allows you to develop interests. And chat more here - or even start emailing a bit - though use as your email address, hotmail and others tend to give away your IP address.

But ultimately you need to be finding God concrete in your life. This is a phrase I get from Keith Clark's book 'An experience of Celibacy' - available on Amazon for little more than the cost of delivery. HIGHLY recommended - it's a very personal testimony of living as a Capuchin Friar (a sort of Franciscan monk, with an active ministry) - and challenges us to focus on God in my life as the real source of love in our lives. Not trivial, but the real answer.

Hope there's some ideas that will be helpful in there somewhere. But there is hope for the future - our Lord Jesus Christ. One day He will wipe away every tear.

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