Hey guys!
Tonight as I was getting to bed I began to enter into one of my "moods" - which normally happens around bedtime. Now, I'm a pretty easy going and optimistic guy for the most part, but a lot of time it is because I am ignoring the pain inside of me, the pain the surfaces every once and a while: before bed, in the library, any time when I am just alone with my thoughts.

This mood normally consists of "I wish I had a boy in my life. A boy just to be beside, and even give a hug to, to watch a movie with or throw a football around." or sometimes it gets even deeper into the "what am I going to do with my life ... do I even have a future, or am I just going to play it by ear the whole time and go through all the motions but for no purpose or goal?". Believe me, its a little depressing.

I'm not on any meds for depression or anything, mainly because I don't think its a problem for me (for now at least), but I know some of the poster here are on meds and suffer from depression, and I want to avoid that as best as I can. I'd love to hear some ideas as to how you suggest I might go about look at life and re-evaluating my situation, or anything for that matter; but tonight I thought up of something that I might just need to consider to make it through - a total change in attitude.

Start looking at things in for the long run. I am attracted to women, but I haven't really spent much time with them (in a romantic setting) so its different that with boys. But maybe I just have to start committing myself and my time towards that. A girlfriend would definitely help me - to have someone that I can have at my side and who I might even turn to loving! Move my focus a little away from boys - I have contact with them consistently atleast once a week, which I think will be fine if I have other things to occupy my time.

Really, I can't see myself getting into a real strong relationship or friendship with a boy at this point either (partly because I'm too wimpy to initiate it most of the time), so maybe its just ending up hurting me that I am focusing on boys. Maybe turning my attention towards other, dare I say, "normal" things would help me get by a little better. And hey - if I get married in a couple of year (more like 5+ ) I can have a son of my own (wow - just saying that makes me want to cry)!

So yes, do any of you guys think that this change in attitude could help things at all?? I'd have to committ to such a change fairly strongly, so I'm going to think about it more, and I'd appreciate any input (experience, ideas/thoughts, etc). It's just that I'm really getting sick of wallowing in my own self pitty most times that I am alone with my own thoughts.

Talk to ya guys soon!
Graces of God,
Deliverance