Christian BoyLove Forum #65817
I haven't been a very consistent or frequent visitor here for a long time, which isn't a nice thing; especially since I am a founding member and will always be proud of that. I have always believed in this forum and always will. However, everyone has problems in life...difficult things that can show their ugly faces from time to time; I am certainly no exception.
I believe I have been an alcoholic since I was very young, even before my teens. I took my first drink when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. At age 11 I got drunk for the first time. From that time on the only reason I drank was to get drunk, or rather, for the effect not the flavor. Oh I like the flavor of different beers and maybe some wines, but I have never drank any kind of alcoholic beverage just for it's taste. My drink of choice for many, many years has been vodka straight up because I could hold my nose, shoot it straight down and it got the job done. Honestly, I have spent more than half of my life drunk.
I have had three periods of time in my life in which I was sober. Once for about a year, then (years later), five years, then (again years later) ten years. About three years ago I decided to break that ten year run. It has been the worst, most frightening years of my life. Recently I made a decision that I want to live, I do not want to die a painful death due to drinking. And of course my drinking effected every area of my life, including things I loved being involved with which includes this forum. I deeply regret that as well. I lost my job (I didn't get fired, I quit, but it's all the same really), I lost my health, I lost some of my friends (but gained some...I'll get to that) but perhaps worst of all, I lost my relationship with God. I lost my relationship on my end, but I believe He didn't feel the same way.
For about a year people have been coming into my life who have become good friends and who all have something in common. They are all recovering alcoholics. This came about through a music project I am involved with. It was quit unexpected but after a while I recognized who was really behind it all. I believe with all my heart that God has not given up on me, in fact He has been working hard to reach out to me and bring me back to Him. These people would tell me their stories without even knowing that I am myself alcoholic and was actively drinking and after a while it sunk in. However, for me it took something even stronger. A few weeks ago I decided enough was enough and called one of these friends and he came over and I told him the truth about my own drinking. I told him I was going to quit and he offered his most heart-felt support. But booze is a powerful thing, and I went on yet one more horrific bender. It was to be my last because I got very sick and discovered at least three significant symptoms of cirrhosis of the liver. Early symptoms but symptoms that cannot be ignored. (Thank God for WebMD) From that day I have not taken another drink, thank God.
That was May 22, so it has not been very long, but I am more determined than I have ever been in my life. And I now recognize the hand of God in all of this...in all of my life...and I am trusting Him with my sobriety, with my life, one day at a time. And now I am trusting all of my friends as well. I have been slowly telling my friends about all of this, which also now includes all of you. Because I still consider the people in this forum to be my friends, even the ones I don't know very well yet. Friends enough to open up to this much, anyways. After all, alcohol has been my greatest foe, not people.
I know all too well how cunning, baffling and powerful alcohol can be, so I am approaching my new-found sobriety with thoughtful care and concern. And prayer. I thank God that He has never given up on me, and I am in awe of His powerful, personal love. He has brought me out of a deadly situation and is showing me a better way. I still do not have a job but I am trusting in Him and putting my life in His hands. I could not dream of better hands to put it in.