Christian BoyLove Forum #65691
I've read several of the posts here and I have to admit I am impressed with many of them.
Like most of you here, as a boy lover, I've been seeking a place online where I can share my thoughts and feelings without ridicule.
In a country, and for the most part a world, which views children more as a precious commodity which must be protected and sheltered at all costs, it is virtually impossible for us to find a place where we can express our views. The mere mention of our taboo thoughts and feelings brings hatred and even death to our doorsteps. And unlike being gay or lesbian or even bisexual, the entire world can agree to hate us unconditionally.
I'm going to share some things about myself which I hope don't offend anyone. My only hope is that you will find strength, hope, and guidance.
I was born in the American foster care system. I've been in over 13 different foster homes and one publicly funded children's Center between the ages of three and 17.
While in foster care I learned firsthand how people treat children when they don't have to treat them well. Your needs are either ignored completely, or you become the object of somebody's desire.
This isn't the case with all foster families. There are some success stories. But if you ask most people who grew up in foster care to be honest with you they will agree with the above assessment. People will tend to treat you poorly when they don't have to treat you well if given the choice.
I knew at a very young age that I was different from the other children. As young as age 4 and five, even though I couldn't explain what it was or for that matter why it was, I had a very powerful sex drive. I was just born that way.
But that wasn't the only difference between myself and the other children around me. I had a sexual attraction to the other boys there were a little bit younger than I was. I say a little bit younger because you can't really get much younger than five years old.
As I grew older my attraction to younger boys never changed.
It wasn't until I became a young teenager that I also found girls and boys my age attractive sexually.
So, I suppose you could say I was a bisexual pedophile.
While I had done sexual things with other children when I was younger and enjoyed it very much, my sexual interactions with other teenagers when I myself was a teenager never really happened. I was a very shy boy.
Unfortunately, I was also very mentally and emotionally immature; a gift from being brought up in the foster care system. You see, since no adult really interacted with me in a mother or father leeway I didn't develop mentally and emotionally at the same rate as other children my age. I was very immature.
So, when I turned 18 years old I found myself hanging around with a young boy who at the time was only 12. No one, including his own mother, said anything about it so I didn't think anything of it either.
For the most part I was like an older brother to him and treated him like my little brother. However, as we got to know each other better he started making sexual advances toward me. While I was in fact sexually attracted to him I knew better. I explained to him that there was no way anything like that could happen and for him to stop. It did occur to me at the time that it was kind of strange for a 12-year-old boy to be making sexual advances toward me, but I just dismissed it.
I was aware that this kid was gay. I mean everything about him and the way he acted screamed gay. Pretty much everyone in the neighborhood including his mother knew that he was gay, but just ignored it.
To make a long story short, one day when I was particularly emotionally vulnerable I gave in to his sexual advances. While I don't feel the need to get into the details of exactly what we did, I will say that it was nothing to scathing.
This went on for a few months before I got that knock on my door from the detectives. Apparently his mother had suspected something and after prodding him for quite some time he finally admitted what we were doing.
I should mention that when things like this transpire and law enforcement gets involved there's this whole exaggeration of facts which occurs. As a direct result I was charged with rape of a child by force.
The funny thing is that like most people, whether or not there sexually active with a child, I believe that the act of rape meant that force was used. Since I wasn't forcing the kid to do anything that he didn't want to do I assumed that if we got caught I would just get a slap on the wrist. I was wrong.
I would later learn after I studied law for a bit that any contact of a sexual nature with a child is considered rape.
If you actually look up the definition for rape in the dictionary or for that matter in a law dictionary it will tell you that it is when someone forces someone to have sex with them.
It is incorrect. Rate is any sexual contact that occurs PERIOD, whether force is used or not.
Unfortunately this is a common misconception held by most people in our society including pedophiles who may be thinking of or are already engaged in a consensual sexual relationship with the child. They think that since they're not forcing the child to do anything it's not rape. They are wrong.
I spent nearly an entire year awaiting trial before I ended up pleading guilty because I had such poor representation from my court-appointed legal counsel. This guy never even went to question my family and find out if I was even capable of forcing someone to do something let alone if I actually did the crime.
I was sentenced to 30 years in state prison. There I was, a mentally and emotionally immature young adult only 19 years old in a state prison full of people who hated me before I even got there. These were people who if they had the chance would've killed me in the blink of an. I don't just know this because I know how sex offenders especially child molesters are viewed in prison but because they tried many times to do exactly that.
Ultimately, I found out, quite by accident, that I had a knack for law. I started reading lawbooks and actually taught myself how to practice law.
Then I started actually practicing law as a jailhouse lawyer. No, I didn't get a law degree or anything like that, so I wasn't actually a lawyer. A jailhouse lawyer is just an inmate who happens to teach himself law well enough to practice it while incarcerated. I couldn't practice it outside of the jail of course but I became very adept at helping other inmates work on their criminal or civil cases.
About three or four years into my sentence I started looking at my own case and found numerous flaws. The more I dug into it the more flaws I found.
Eventually, I found enough laws to actually take my case back to court. Needless to say that both law enforcement and the courts themselves did everything in their power to prevent me from doing this.
While I won't get into all of the things they did to prevent me from having my day in court I will tell you this one last thing that they attempted.
After filing all of my briefs and motions with the court the court decided to enact a brand-new law which had hardly even been used yet. This law required that although an inmate is legally able to represent himself in court of law, as I was doing, that inmate would have to be assigned an attorney who would have to determine the merits of his case. Basically the validity of the case.
If this attorney decided that the case had merits it could go forward. On the other hand, if the attorney decided that the case had no merits it could not move forward. That would be the end of the road. No further motions are briefs would be heard, PERIOD.
Of course as you can imagine the attorney decided my case had no merits. So that was it. I would continue serving out my 30 year sentence and would be released until 2014. I thought not.
What I did next was unprecedented and had not until then ever been attempted before in my state.
I decided within myself that this attorney was wrong. I decided that the case did have merit and that he only decided it didn't either because he himself was prejudice against me or someone in the Dist. Atty.'s office told him not to. Either way he was not acting in accordance with the rules which govern and attorney's actions.
I packaged up all of my briefs and motions as well as all my documentary evidence and mailed it to the Board of bar overseers.
In case you don't know these are the people who decide whether an attorney is acting in the best interest of his client or not. These are the people who can revoke or suspend an attorney's license.
It wasn't long before I heard from the Board of bar overseers. They expressed to me that while it was extremely on Orthodox and unprecedented for an inmate to ask them to review his case, they did find that the attorney assigned to me made a grievous mistake in determining that the case had no merit.
Furthermore, they rebuked that attorney and forced him to take my case whether he wanted to or not.
I had my day in court and I was successful in overturning my plea of guilty. There were of course provisions designed to prevent me from filing a lawsuit against the state for the eight years I have spent in prison unlawfully, but I was a free man.
So that's basically my story. If you take anything away from it, take this....
While it may be tempting, if any of you are actually thinking about starting a sexual relationship with the child or anything which could be construed as a sexual relationship with the child, don't. Don't do it for two reasons. No matter how consensual it is, it is considered rape.
Also, children can always be compelled to talk about their sexual encounter with you. Just as you see in the spy movies where the agent is tortured into a confession, it takes less more than torture to make a child it met to the sexual contact that they have had with you.
So don't do it. The chances of you managing to overturn your case are virtually impossible. The chances of me overturning my guilty plea were almost completely impossible and in the end I technically failed. I mean, if it wasn't for my going outside of the criminal justice system I would still be in prison today. I just did a Hail Mary pass and succeeded.
I also want to save this. Despite what people think about pedophiles and the danger we are to their children, never once in all of the foster homes that I was in, had I ever personally experienced or witnessed a child being forced into having sex with an adult or with other children. It simply never happened. I did experience quite a bit of sex between myself and adults as well as other children, and did witness other children in the same situation, but never once were we forced into anything by threats, physical force, or coercion. We wanted to do what we did.
That's usually how most child molestations occur. Most "abusers" never use force or coercion on children to get them to have a sexual relationship with them.
The main reason for this is because most children are open to the experience. Before it any of you say that I am wrong, remember this. Children will naturally, without any outside influences, sexually experiment with other children. In fact, most healthy adults walking around in today's society experimented sexually with their friends as children. It's human nature.
However, most of our society refuse to admit, first of all that they ever sexually experiment is children of their own accord, and that children can actually enjoy sexual contact.
Not to be too vulgar or forward, but nature took care of that long before we started making laws against it. Children are born with the exact same sexual organs as adults have. Perhaps parts of those organs are not quite as developed as their adult counterparts but one aspect of them are.
Children of any age are able to have orgasms. If a little girl rubs herself in that special spot she can and will organize this is fact. If a little boy does the same thing the same thing occurs.
This is the reason why pedophiles don't have to force children to do whatever it is they do together. Nine times out of 10 the child was either doing it themselves or with other kids already. This is simply to them just another sex partner.
Another fact that our society refuses to accept and understand is that most children don't feel any ill effects from their sexual encounters with adults anymore than they do with age mates/children their own age. How many adults have you heard say that they were emotionally and mentally traumatized for the rest of their lives because they sexually experimented with their friends as children? None of them. They are perfectly normal functioning adults in our society.
So why then would doing the exact same thing with an adult be any more or less traumatizing? The fact of the matter is it isn't.
What is, however, traumatizing for that child is when someone outside of their sexual circle finds out about it and informs them that it is a terrible thing to be doing, it is wrong, immoral, and unacceptable. Only when people like their parents and law enforcement get involved do those children have any idea that what they did was wrong. It is in this, and not the sexual acts themselves, which traumatize as the child for life.
Then, when they are forced to tell others such as law enforcement details of what they did, and then have to repeat those details in front of a court room full of strangers, they are further traumatized.
These are basic facts of human nature. They cannot be disputed or laid out for review. Human beings are the only ones who try to change these facts in accordance with what they think the facts should actually be. Think I'm wrong?
Nature, or God if you believe in him, has decided that human beings can experience sexual orgasms almost from the moment they are born. That's a fact.
Nature, or God if you believe in him, has decided that once a child reaches a certain age they are able to procreate. That's a fact.
Man has decided that children cannot feel pleasure or have an orgasm from sexual contact almost from the moment they were born.
Man has decided that children are not allowed to procreate or for that matter have sex at all until they are the age which man has decided the child is an adult.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. Man is actually smarter than God or nature.
The funny thing about all of this is that Western society has decided to pick and choose which things involving children are acceptable and not acceptable.
For example. A child is not mature enough to have sexual contact with an adult. They are not considered mentally or emotionally mature enough. Okay, I'll bite that for a moment.
However, if that same child murders and adult, in most states and situations that child be tried as an adult. This is a matter of American history not just me saying it.
If a child is not mentally or emotionally capable of being responsible for having sex then how in the hell can that same child be mentally and emotionally capable of being responsible for the act of murder? Did something change? No.
We just don't like the idea of children having sex, but have absolutely no problem with treating them as adults when it comes to murder. So we change things to meet our own personal beliefs and needs and completely ignore the natural order of things.
That being, the children are sexual beings and fully capable mentally and emotionally processing a sexual relationship with someone else as much as they are capable of committing murder.
This is an obvious fact, and not fiction, since children are and do have willful sexual interactions with each other, and do in fact commit murder.
There are many other such examples of contradictions and hypocrisy within our modern American society, and obviously those developed countries which seemed to agree with and follow our lead.
There is one more topic that I'd like to touch on since there doesn't seem to be a limit on the text I can type. It involves using the Internet as a conduit for child related imagery and video content for sexual gratification purposes.
We all know that child pornography is illegal. We all know a child photography looks like. So whatever you do don't view or download it. Law enforcement is always six steps ahead of you.
I realize that sounds like I may be someone from law enforcement, but it's true.
You do however have alternatives. If you are someone who is interested in girls there are sites which you can go to that display pictures of little girls in everything from underwear and bras to bathing suits. All of the sites are totally legal. That's why there's so many of them and why they're so easy to find. If you type into your search engine the words "mini models" you will most definitely find a number of the sites.
If on the other hand you are only interested in boys, it gets a little more difficult to find these kinds of images but not impossible. What you want to do is type into your search engine the term "boylover" and a number of sites will come up which either have images similar to the ones mentioned above, but of boys, or they will have links on those sites that will lead you to this type of content.
Again, all of these images are totally legal and you can't get in trouble for having them on your shooter or any other media.
Of course, if you're a closet pedophile like most of us are, you're not that I want your wife, children, or significant other finding these images even though they are legal. So I recommend placing them on an outside media source, such as a flash drive. Then take that and hide it somewhere where no one will find it.
Another valuable source for locating child related "legal" content for your gratification purposes are sites like YouTube. I know which are thinking, what could possibly be found on YouTube? You'd actually be surprised.
There are many videos containing children and various environments on YouTube and other legitimate and legal video websites. As a matter of fact, I have found many videos on YouTube taken by parents while the children are in the bathtub. While I'm uncertain whether or not YouTube would really want this content on their servers since it kind of borderlines between legal and illegal, as long as you're not downloading it onto your hard drive and simply just watching it streaming from you to, you shouldn't have a problem. I mean, if YouTube thinks it's legal and doesn't take it off...
There also any number of websites that have legal images and videos of young children of the age group that you're interested in. You just have to do a search for them.
Just be careful. I have found, since I am bisexual and do visit many legitimate adult websites which contain images and videos of both males and females, that there are some adult websites that have been hijacked by what I term as "ghost sites" which do have child pornography on them. I'm only telling you this so that you can avoid going to them. I'm not going to tell you which adult sites these are, partly because there's no way even I could know, and also because I don't want you to start trying to find them yourself.
The reason I call these "ghost sites" is because one second they are there and the next they are not. The URLs/web addresses that these ghost sites use are constantly changing. If you happen to stumble upon one it would be completely by accident. If you try to revisit that website you probably wouldn't be able to because the URL/web address would have jumped to a completely different location. This is how the site avoid detection by law enforcement.
If you ever do stumble upon one of these websites be careful. Always remember that every website you visit which contains images - downloads those images into your hard drive. So all of the images of the websites that you visit are actually on your hard drive NOW.
This is one of the ways that law enforcement catches pedophiles and is able to prosecute them even if they never deliberately downloaded images or videos. All you have to do is go into the proper folder on your computer (usually called temporary Internet files) and all of the images from the legal or illegal websites you visited show up. All I can say is,have a nice time in prison.
The best way to avoid this problem is to avoid visiting child pornography websites to begin with, but if for some reason you do fall into one of these ghost site traps,use a special program which not only erases all of the data in these folders but also overwrites them several times.
Think of it like composing a letter to someone in your word processing program. If you decide to delete what you've typed and then type a new letter, saving it with the exact same name in the exact same file folder on your hard drive as the old letter, you overwrite the old letter and cannot retrieve it later. That's what these programs are designed to do. They overwrite the files/images in these folders several times so that they cannot be read or viewed later.
This is not the same as encrypted those files/images. Anything you encrypt, law enforcement can decrypt. Don't even try to outsmart them. You cannot. You know all of those viruses out there that sometimes make their way into your computer? Well, law enforcement uses the exact same people who create those viruses to help them fight child pornography online. These are very smart people. Smarter that you or I.
The name of one of the programs that I use to overwrite data from websites I visit is called CCleaner. If you search for it using your search engine you'll find it. It's free to download and use. When using this program make sure that you select all of the options especially the ones involving your browser.
I use both the Internet Explorer browser as well as Google Chrome. So I checked all of the boxes for both of those browsers.
Also, in order for the program to work at its maximum performance and overwrite the files/images the maximum amount of times to ensure your privacy make sure that you do the following: Open the program and click on the options button. next click on settings. under settings you're going to see something called Source Deletion. Select Source file deletion and then use the drop-down menu and select "Very Secure Overwrite (35 passes)". Also make sure that you are (C:) driver is selected, because that's where these files/pictures would be stored.
All you would have to do next is run the cleaner. Given the fact that you will be doing 35 passes to thoroughly overwrite the files/images it will take a little time so be patient. When it's done however, these files/images will not be able to be recovered in any readable or viewable format no matter who or what software are attempting to recover them.
They may be able to recover the files/images themselves but they will have been rendered useless.
I realize that I've had a lot to say here and I hope that what I've said will in some way help someone.
Just remember that are not alone. there are other people who think exactly like you. even if some of your fantasies seem far-fetched and perverse in nature, they are by no means original. Other people are thinking exactly what you're thinking whether they want to admit it or not.
But always remember that you do have to comply with certain realities within our society. Unlike being simply gay or lesbian you will never see a day in your lifetime were being a pedophile will be accepted. You'll never see a day when it's okay to have sexual interactions with children.
However, I honestly believe that one day scientists will prove several things beyond a shadow of a doubt and our society will have to not only in mid to them but incorporate them into our daily lives.
They will learn beyond a shadow of a doubt that sexual preference is not a choice. People are just born being sexually attracted to whomever they are.
They will also learn that children can and do experience sexual pleasure without ever being taught by other human beings. The truth of the matter is, most of the scientific community already know this, but because it's so taboo to speak of they remained silent. But one day they will not.
So that's it. Not much more to say. I hope you got something out of what I've said here.
I hope to post more things here about my daily life as a pedophile.
Thank you for reading.