Christian BoyLove Forum #65568
That's an amazing story - and the fact that he doesn't 'want you out of his life' gives you permission to continue the relationship. Of course there is a risk - the worst one is if he becomes interesting in experimenting; in that case you are going to find it REALLY hard to say 'no'. The question then is whether you can always spend time with him in reasonably public places where there's less chance of something happening that you'd both regret. But overall, as I've said before, you've got the prospect of being a MAJOR blessing to him; there's always a risk that things will go wrong, but with a bit of care you can minimise that.
The good news is that it's certainly unfair on yourself to think that it's punishment as a result of something you've done. The root causes of Boy Love attractions are controversial, and there's a suggestion that it becomes 'learned behaviour' as we make it more and more the object of our fantasies, but it's bad theology to argue that God punishes us with stuff like this; whatever else the gospel is about, it's about His forgiving us - so whilst He DOES punish, according to Hebrews, it's in order to correct something that needs to be sorted out.
But what I'm really sad about is that you feel it's torture to be with him. Have you thought about the relationship of Jesus and John? It's clear that Jesus had a remarkably close relationship with him - he's described as 'the beloved disciple'. I'm NOT suggesting that it was sexualised - the Greek word for 'Love' used is not the one used for sexual love. But Jesus surely drew great emotional encouragement from it - there's no reason why we shouldn't, especially if, like you, we've been honest with our YF. And to drop out of his life now when he doesn't want you to IS unfair on him; whilst his love for you isn't on a level with what you feel, it's very likely that you are a lot more important to him than you're recognising - after all, why else would he tolerate your admitting your mixed motives.
Another issue for you to consider is how to widen your range of relationships. Having been there, one of the causes for me was that I was badly isolated from the rest of the world. So the challenge for us all is to work at our friendships with our peers so that our Young Friend isn't the only thing in our life. It's inevitable he's going to be mega important - and I have no difficulty with the idea that you can enjoy his company - but the challenge is to have it as the cream on the cake of your life, not the only source of emotional nutrition. As the phrase says: love isn't what makes the world go around, it's what makes the ride worthwhile.
Is it possible you can work on sharing your faith with him? Given, by the sounds of it, you know him via church, it would be great if you get to the point of praying together; coming before God with him is likely to help get your perspective right.
So overall - don't panic, enjoy the ride, minimise your risks but don't worry too much. And you are likely to find that the red hot intensity of the attraction will fade as time passes and it will all become normal. And if you get it right, you WILL be a blessing to him: don't think you are being selfish in wanting the time with him if he's interested in spending time with you.