Christian BoyLove Forum #66953
I'm sososo sorry for what happened to you.
I'd like to assure you that regardless of what you've done, God still loves you. As put by Didaskalos some time ago:
He longs to cuddle your boy-shaped soul with all the loving attention and passion.
God loves you more than you can imagine. Don't think that he's signed you off and is going to leave you behind now. This. Never. Happens.
However, what you did is a serious problem. You need to make 2 things happen:
1. Reconcile with God
What you are living through is the story of the Prodigial Son (full quote in sources below).
Imagine what you did as an equivalent of publicly slapping your mother on the face; then asking money to move out, and when she is preparing some money for you, you gather your stuff; you even take some of hers. Then you leave.
The way you would've hurt your mother that way, you've hurt God. He is only looking for your good, and you've slapped Him on the face with your sin; you told Him: 'God, I know what you want, but I want what I want, and I'm gonna do it regardless'.
You can't work off this debt of yours. No matter what you do now, your deed seems inexcusable.
Even if you moved with your mother when she was old, and helped until she died of old age, she still would've been hurt by what you did. But by that time, she would propably have forgiven you.
You need to understand the situation you are in. If you really have sinned, you:
a)one-sidedly broke the relationship between you and God; (or at least strained it)
b)made yourself more likely to commit that sin in the future
We'll start with a)
If you want to live your life according to the ideals you have, you need the grace of Jesus. No way around it.
You need to pray to Jesus in the Holy Spirit that he forgives your trespasses. Don't deny anything or make excuses. Stand humbly and in truth, like the Tax Collector (full story in sources below). Beg Him to forgive you, because you hurt Him and yourself.
Don't allow yourself to plan 'slipping' like that again. Go cold-turkey. No more of this madness.
"13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’"
Light and darkness
Connected with a) is also the fact, that you now fear God. Not the healthy piety, but fear.
"Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever practices the truth comes into the Light, so that it may be clearly seen that what he has done has been accomplished in God." (full text in sources below)
Right now, the evilness of your sin is making you afraid of commiting yourself to God. This is just human nature. That's why you must ask God to wash off this stain of darkness and pray by standing in His light.
This is going to be scary at first, but pray every day for at least 10 minutes by thinking about God's mercy for you. Just that. Stand in truth and humility in front of Him, without running away. Make sure to acknowledge your sinfulness, the fact that you deserve dire punishment but are asking God to forgive you as His child.
And try not to get too distracted. You need to be able to let Him judge you ('you're guilty'), forgive you ('I absolve you of your sins') and love you.
God also wants to forgive you.
All He wants is for you to show that you regret and wish never to do that again.
He loves you. I love you. Please let Him have access to you.
Tools for discerning God's mercy for you
You can read the Bible (especially the parts I'll bring up for you here) and try to live the situation described.
In the example of the Prodigial Son, try to imagine yourself as the son in the following situations:
1. On the farm, hungry, poor, humiliated (you know Jews don't like being around pigs)...
Think as you would think on His place, and direct what love the son had for his father towards your God the Father.
2. Coming home, seeing your dad, being sorry and repentant;
but your dad doesn't care what you did, he just loves to have you back, he throws a party and hugs you (although you're propably very dirty after travelling so far), he gives you the title ('the owner's son') that you don't deserve.
The parts of Scipture to follow that way:
Luke 8:40-56 (you are the woman)
the Prodigial Son (below in the sources) (you are the son)
Luke 7, 36-50 (you are the woman)
More to come in a furture post.
2. Make sure not to do it again
You mentioned not being sure if you'll be able to resist the temptation. It is possible, but there are tons of things that need to happen.
Set up barriers
In 1 Cor 6, st. Paul tells us that we are to 'FLEE sexual immorality'; notice, that it is not 'avoid', 'limit', or 'be sensible with'.
When you see sexual immortality, you are to run.
Someone on this forum viewed sexual immorality as stairs; I'll go further.
Imagine, that sinning with watching pornography is a slippery, downhill slope. When you just want a little bit, all legal stuff etc., you are putting one leg on the slippery slope. The deeper you go, the easier it is to slip; and then you fall straight down to the darkness.
Don't even let sexual immorality to have a foothole on your soul. Nothing.
That's why you should now, when you are aware of what you're doing, make it impossible to view bad images at the times you are weak.
0. Undo any preparations for watching such material
Uninstall Tor and stuff like that. Do you really need it apart from immoral stuff?
1. Don't use the computer.
You don't need a computer at home (unless you need it to work). All the important things you need to get done online can be done from a library. When you are in a public space, I trust you won't be tempted to go through such stuff.
2. If you can't do that:
Disconnect your house from the web. Browse any needed sites through public computers.
3. If you can't do that:
Get an accountability partner. Tell someone you trust, and you know he will take this seriously.
You don't need to tell that person about what exactly you were watching, just that you have problems with pornography in the Internet. That is enough for undertaking specific steps.
This friend would be supposed to call you from time to time and ask you if you did open the sites you weren't supposed to. That friend should be the person you call when tempted, so he can persuade you not to give in.
4. Regardless of the above:
You remember that old Nokia in your drawer? Exchange it for your smartphone. If you don't have one, there are equivalents worth 20$ or less.
Seriously though, you should FLEE from having access to images IN YOUR POCKET 24/7.
Pray and fast
God has many reasons to help you not fall back into that kind of behaviour, because He loves you. So ask Him to help you. Dedicate your struggles connected to trying not to sin again to Him. Tell Him that you love Him and you don't want to hurt Him again.
And don't even get me started on fasting. I'll be back soon with another essay just on that.
Remember, that sin, however strong, is always weaker than the mercy of God.
Simmilarly, the light always conquers the darkness - no matter how deep the darkness, a simple candle will do away with it.
God will never give up on you.
I hope and pray to God you find peace in our Lord Jesus Christ.
PS. Your post seems to indicate something illegal. It should propably be edited out by an admin.
We can't have things potentially relevant to investigations on our site or it will periodically close due to control checks...
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to[a] one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’[b] 22 But the father said to his servants,[c] ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23 And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.(Luke 15)
The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”(Luke 18)
Jesus on people being (unhealthily) afraid of God:
19And this is the verdict: The Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness more than light, because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever practices the truth comes into the Light, so that it may be clearly seen that what he has done has been accomplished in God.” (john 3)
The Temple of the Holy Spirit
(Romans 12:1-8; 1 Corinthians 3:16-18)
18Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a man can commit is outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body.
(1 Cor 6)