Christian BoyLove Forum #66823

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What if I've lost all hope?

Posted by BX on 2016-05-07 17:20:02, Saturday
In reply to For all those struggling posted by Confidential on 2016-04-13 09:38:34, Wednesday


You've put together a very kind and thoughtful post. I check in here occasionally, and more often at boychat. I hope you don't mind reading my worthless words, but sometimes I think it helps me to put my thoughts in writing - and to share them with others in an anonymous forum.


If I'm to believe the argument that God loves me, why did He give or allow me to have social anxiety? Actually, I am often alone. I was a member of a mid-sized church for over 20 years. When all of my personal, internal problems came to a head a few years back, I stopped attending that church and started attending a mega church - ostensibly to avoid the extra scrutiny I felt was potentially coming my way. In the one and a 1/2 years between my stopping attending and them dropping me as a member for non-attendance (without warning) exactly two people contacted me to enquire about my well being, both of them paid staff members. I am truly alone, no one could ever understand me or my problems.

> A. God chose you before the beginning of the world to be His.

Did He choose to inflict on me (and you) a condition universally reviled, hated and despised? One of the chief reasons I hate myself and this so-called life. A condition that cannot be fulfilled sexually (but I don't need or want that, I can live without sex). I suppose the emotional attraction might be fulfilled, but what person of any age wants to hang out with a middle aged loser without a warm, fun loving personality?

> You are the one person whom God loves. Nothing else matters.
> B. God CARES about you.

I look back on my pathetic, meaningless life and I just can't see or believe that anymore. At this point in my worthless life I think I would be better off dead.

> C. God knows about everything that happens to you:

Where was God when that relative who was supposed to love me but instead hated me and verbally abused me as a child? I was reminded over and over what a worthless nothing I was. Where was anyone? Who was there to actually save and help me? Did I not matter to Him or to anyone else? I was as invisible then as I am now.

> D. God would never build a mountain you can't climb.

I am actually trying to get help, but not from God or religion, rather from a secular psychologist. I've pretty much realized I mean nothing to God, and never have. I am doubtful that there is any meaningful hope or help for me, but I guess there aren't many avenues open to me, especially the avenue I used to believe in. I remember hearing (and reading the verses for myself) that 'God loves you.' 'God cares about you.' and the one I held onto the longest, 'God has a plan for you.' That's something I hoped and prayed for a very, very long time because I certainly had no idea what I was doing, and no one seemed to care about me anyway. It was only - and finally - this year that I realized that although those words may be true for others, they were never true and weren't even meant for me.

> God has not forsaken you. There MUST BE a way out. Just keep looking, and don't give up. NEVER give up.

It's too late. My own Dad recently asked me not to give up hope in God, but I didn't have the guts to tell him the truth: it's too late. I don't have hope in God anymore.

> when we ask God to do something for us, He can do just about anything.

I begged and pleaded God for help my entire life. Just like I didn't matter to most people, I especially didn't matter to Him.

> F. Tell others about your problems, because it helps:

I almost told my pastor of over 20 years of my attraction to boys, I literally had an appointment to do so. But sitting in front of him I knew there was no way for someone who literally believes the Bible, and believes that being gay and acting on it is an evil sin, would believe or have sympathy on me for my condition.

I later ended up at a gay-affirming church for awhile. Again, I almost told the pastor there about my attraction to boys (he, himself, being gay). I tried three times over six months to get a meeting with him. I was denied three times for various reasons. If you're prone to believe in signs, it sure seems like I wasn't supposed to tell him.

> G. And participate faith with others, to have God himself visit you.

As someone with a moderate case of social anxiety, that's pretty difficult - but not impossible. Twice I intended to join a small group at the gay-affirming church I attended for awhile. The first time the group was doing a study that included revealing personal, revealing details about yourself as a way to be 'authentic', this study here. I bought the book, signed up for a group, but before I committed I had to ask the pastor can or should I reveal this hated attraction? (I now know the answer is, No.) That was the first of three attempts to meet with him, and as I mentioned before it was denied. I ended up bowing out, wasted twenty bucks on the book for no reason, and no one noticed anyway.

There was another group study months later where you didn't have to reveal personal details about yourself, and as an added bonus they proposed a new small group for people closer to where I live (the church I was attending was about a thirty five minute drive from my residence). I signed up for the new group, bought another twenty dollar book, and than never heard anything from anyone about any meetings. BAM! I'm still invisible, and I still don't matter.

> You are not alone in this world; God is always by your side.

I'm sorry to say, for me, that's just not true.


Again, your words were very kind, I'm sorry to be a dark cloud of unbelief. I just need to vent, I guess. I never would have thought I would end up here, I was always a regular church attender and someone who had hope in a God (and His people) who loved and cared. I just don't believe that anymore. For me, it's just not true.

If you got this far, I'm sorry that you wasted your time on me.


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