Christian BoyLove Forum #66688
As BLs, our natural inclination is to have a YF. At its worst this is a sexual relationship – which is something this board isn't here to endorse. But what about relationships that aren't overtly sexual? Because the starting point in this discussion is the reality that drift towards such relationships because of their sexual element – whether it is present explicitly or not. And so we have define 'sexual' more tightly. Life is sexual; it's part of what we are and what we do. Straight people get a buzz from being with attractive people of the opposite sex; to some extent such relationships ARE sexual. Keith Clark, a celibate Franciscan friar (missionary monk) wrote a book ''Being Sexual and Celibate'. So we don't need to beat ourselves up about getting a buzz out of being with a boy.
And our friendships can be of value to our YFs. We can play a significant role in making their lives better by just being their friend, as generations of Scouts will affirm. The old quote 'it takes a village to raise a child' is true; our nuclear families and living environments have made this far harder to offer. We pay a toll in mental illness and loneliness; AFs can make a difference.
And yet from a Christian perspective it is far too easy for our YFs to come to dominate our lives. Our thoughts rotate around him. Our emotions are his plaything – a smile lifts us to the heavens, the cancellation of a planned meeting leaves us chewing the carpet. If we are honest, we have to admit that he's more important to us than GOD – and that won't do. If' we've got to that point, we have a problem and need to sort it out.
But apart from that and the obvious danger of it becoming sexualised (and it does happen that he get to guess your sexual interest – then it gets INTERESTING) I suspect we should resist the fear that it's always a bad idea. The assumption underlying much of modern social practice – that kids should only spend time with their parents, professionals and peers – is absurd once considered clearly. Grandparents, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters all play a role in real life. If the church is truly the family of God, then we, as Christians, are a part of the family of our YF if he is a Christian. The primary question lies in the hidden nature of our agenda. To the extent that we are not 'out', our interest in him has a shadow side; we aren't being 100% honest. To this extent our relationship is unlike that of the flirtatious boy and girl; both there know the nature of the other's interest and accept that it is an element. This isn't the case with our YFs; they are innocent of this component in the friendship. Not a deal breaker – but we need to be honest with ourselves; how far is the sexual a major feature of why I'm with him? If so, what are the boundaries for me – and how do I ensure I don't push past them?
One point to watch is that our focus on our YF doesn't make us neglect our other relationships. Of course this often happens when a straight couple link up; space for their other friends gets squeezed. But for us it's important keep those other friendships alive so that he's not the only source of 'life' in our existence; if he is, then we are vulnerable to allowing him to set all the rules – and that's not good for either him or us. And we need to be praying about him and our friendship with him to God; if we can't do that, then we are definitely in trouble!
We can be a blessing to each other – but it needs to be done carefully. And if it does go wrong, it's the adult's fault...