Christian BoyLove Forum #65121
Great post! Lots of good stuff there. Thanks a lot for sharing.
You seem to be exploring a variety of issues, so I find it easier to address each one individually. I hope you don't mind my breaking it down in that way with your original statements in italics.
Therefore despite being a long term member of this forum, I feel it wiser to post anonymously. I hope this is acceptable
These kinds of issues tend to be excellent avenues for us to gain a greater understanding of and appreciation for the others we share with on this forum. I think such meaningful posts are a wonderful way for us to get to know each other and appreciate each other more. By going incognito you deny us that opportunity. I find that unfortunate and wish you wouldn't choose that route, but it's certainly acceptable if that's really what you want.
But I suspect there were more moments of choice than we recognise: to choose the thought of the sight of that younger boy, to actively fantasise about a possible sexual relationship with him RATHER THAN ANOTHER. And so the propensity becomes a habit, and the habit starts to define us.
I struggle to come to a conclusion on whether I agree with that statement or not. It makes a lot of sense to me and what I know of psychology seems to back that developmental model, so I am inclined to believe it. However, my past and the development of my BL identity are very difficult to align with such a model, so I am also inclined to believe that my personal experience disproves it.
Although there were clues and episodes throughout my childhood, I actually believed I was heterosexual all the way through high school and into my college years. In grade school and middle school all of my sexual fantasies revolved around girls. All of my crushes were girls. I even had girlfriends and sexual encounters with girls. When I awakened to my sexual attraction to boys in 8th grade, this did not change the fact that it was girls which inhabited my masturbatory fantasies. Boys may have made brief appearances, but for the most part I fantasized about girls, I continued to pursue girlfriends, and my focus was always girls.
I don't want to turn this post into my whole life story, so I'll summarize the rest by saying that I grew more and more aware of my feelings over the years in spite of thinking and acting like my primary sexual attraction was women all along and in spite of cultivating that sexual identity and those heterosexual fantasies. Thus it is difficult for me to see how my situation could fit such a bl identity development model as the one you describe. The fact is I so cultivated a heterosexual mindset and spent so much time and effort pursuing heterosexual fantasies that if our sexual identity could truly be influenced by the forming of habits, I would be heterosexual today. But, I am not. I don't even have a passing interest in women today.
But the same process can occur - of an innocent friendship growing in our minds to be something more sexual, with our fantasies driving us on.
I agree. That seems to be the way a lot of married people end up cheating on their spouses and how a lot of BLs end up going much further than they ever intended.
So what's the answer? Of course there isn't an easy one or divorce wouldn't be so rampant in our society. I suspect it's about recognising our need - not for a boy (loud shouts of 'shame'?) but for good relationships: if we're married we need to work hard on that blessing; for us all for friends that we can hang out with; for activities that do feed us emotionally. And for some of us that may include boys - though we need to be cautious, and not make them the focus of our life.
I am not sure whether you are intending to say that other relationships should take the place of a relationship with a YF or not. If so, I disagree. I think that may be what God wants for some people, but certainly not all and probably not most. I wouldn't recommend to most heterosexual men that they give up on love and marriage and instead fill their emotional needs with a myriad of other friendships and hobbies; thus it doesn't make sense to me to recommend that for most BLs either.
If you are not intending to promote the replacement of a YF with a myriad of friendships, then your recommendation here is a really good one. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the importance of friendships and other relationships. There were a few years during which I had a very close relationship with my YF and he was my whole world, the only thing I cared for. It was great while he was around, but it made for some lonely weekends whenever he was away or I couldn't see him. A life where my YF is just one of the relationships I have going on is far more well balanced and not such a roller coaster.
On the other hand, I don't believe that is "the answer" to the problem you posed above. I believe it is of critical importance and is something we should all do, but I don't believe it answers the problem. Ultimately, if you do have friendships with boys, then no matter how many great friends you have in your life, you are still likely to fall in love with your YF and it is still possible for fantasies and desires to drive you further than you intend.
I believe that love is not something we can stop or control and that to guard against going too far we need to implement limits and controls such as: limits on the amount and type of physical affection, limits on being alone with your YF, including others in your outings or get togethers, etc. As important as having many good relationships is, I don't think it helps keep your relationship with boys holy.
So - we need to choose to define ourselves as something other than a BL; not in the sense of pretending that we aren't - that truly is the way to fall apart - but by trying not to let that element of ourselves be the centre of our being.
I agree. I think there are many things that define us: race, nationality, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religious belief, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with identifying with such attributes, of which BL is one. But it's definitely wrong for an attribute other than "follower of Christ" to be the highest in priority.