When I first posted (see here . . and here) to cblf back in 2001, I was in a really bad way. Years of mental illness, in & out of hospitals. Too many years of longing to be free from the bondage of boylust (sadly it was anything but boylove) – pleading constantly with repeated prayer and fasting that God would deliver me. Out-of-control sexual addiction (net porn and cruising beats).

My wife was worn out by all of this. She’d always known of my ‘problem’ and been as loving and supportive as she could, but finally it culminated in a nasty scene where she accused me of being unfaithful (jerked a guy off at a beat) deliberately to hurt her and then denying that that was the truth. It was the last straw for me. If the person who knew me best of all in the whole world got it SO wrong and actually belived that 1) I had done it to purposely hurt her and 2) that I was lying in protesting that I hadn’t – and so defiantly denying ‘what I (supposedly) KNEW was the truth’ – if that was the case, what was the point in living.

I had contemplated and actually planned suicide many times before that and not proceeded for the sake of my family, but this time it was too much. I’m a doctor. I should bloody well know how to do it right. I did do it right. It still didn’t work. I woke up in intensive care FURIOUS with God. I was SO sick and tired of Him. I’d lived my whole life with the longing to be His godly man, passionately wanting to be His servant – and yet continually disqualified because of my lustful obsessions. Now He’d even stopped me dying. So I defiantly told him to get lost and had nothing more to do with Him. We were finished. I moped on thru life, more and more bitter that the attempt hadn’t worked, putting in an occasional appearance at church for my kids’ sake and spending all service drooling over the pretty boys. Gradually I just stopped going altogether.

The marriage was virtually dead. We never touched each other. We didn’t have sex for 8-9 years. We were basically divorced but living in the same house. Meanwhile my depression was deepening but even more distressing I was getting more and more panicky. I was a bundle of simmering panic. I read all the books and was learning (AGAIN) techniques of relaxation and assertiveness training and self-esteem stuff. God was way out of the picture. I was totally not interested. Then here I was in Oct 06, sitting in the the family room reading the “Panic and Phobia Workbook” – a chapter on Spirituality that I was reading only because it had some helpful stuff from Buddhism on ‘mindfulness’. And God touched me. Ever so gently. Miraculouly. I instantly knew I had fallen back into His arms and we were ‘Us’ again. He was my Dad and Lord and King and all was transformed. I had asked for nothing, sought nothing, wanted nothing, and yet He miraculously wooed me back to Himself. The simmering panic has slowly resolved since then. The LUST diminished incredibly from then – and was SO much more manageable. There have been no more answers as to why I suffered this lifetime of anguish. Maybe there never will be till I see Him face-to-face. But I have been madly and totally in love with Him again ever since.

So here I am back in the arms of Jesus and WANTING to live a life of love, but I have a totally traumatised (she came home from church to find me unconscious and drenched in just about my total blood volume with bottles of pills everywhere) and embittered wife, starting to play the field to see who she could get fulfilled by and maybe even sexed by. I wanted restoration. I wanted for us to be friends again. But she was very very damaged and could not trust me again. And God says to me ‘Woo her back like I wooed you’ She finally agreed after 18 months for us to talk about some issues she had, but only with two other mutual friends present. It went on for months. It was SO sad and painful. I was deeply contrite but still felt antagonism rising. God said ‘LOVE her. Just love her’ And so I did. Little ways, gentle touches, kind words, flowers, gifts, helping out in any way I could. Being there for her. Taking her screaming and abuse and bitterness and rage. Standing there and loving her, so regretful of how I had hurt her. Reaching out. Day by day.

Last year I realise that she’ll be turning 50 next year. She’s a HUGE party girl. LOVES birthdays. LOVES parties. LOVES surprises. Has NEVER had a surprise party – of any kind! So I think ‘Aha! I’ll organise a surprise party for her 50th.’ It was 18 months away, so I started having a few initial thoughts. Then a couple of months later it hit me that if it got close to the time and she didn’t see anything being organised, she’d be very suspicious and/or arrange her own party (like she did for her 40th when I was in a psych hospital). So the race was on – to arrange something for her 49th!!!. Long story short (months of devious and detailed planning) – went for lunch with what she thought were a couple of friends – but was 150, from every year of her life, many of whom she hadn’t seen in 20 or 30 years. Overwhelmed. Few minutes later a phone call. Is our son, she thinks is in China. I’m guiding her outside where she sees the Mini I got her (her first car was a Mini back in the 70s and she’s dreamed of having one ever since. I’d thought ‘no probs’ till I found out they’re made by BMW now, with a price tag to match!) and she’s squealing into the phone ‘Dad’s got me my car, he’s got me My Car!!!!’ when out jumps our son from the front seat, phone in hand! Well it continued on a special day, with messages and videos from friends all round the world, including our housemaid on the mission field who’d become her closest friend. Then came speeches. In mine I paid tribute to what a precious person she is and such a fantastic caring, giving friend to so many, listed all her special gifts then committed myself again to CHOOSING to love her – unconditionally, with all my heart – even if I didn’t LIKE her or she didn’t particularly like me! Then down on bended knee taking her hand, saying ‘I will love you’ . . . and on came the recording from our wedding ceremony 28 years ago . . . ‘for better for worse, for richer, for poorer’ as the minister continued I spoke over my voice from back then, reaffirming what I had so flagrantly scorned. Such a special special moment. Such a special day. She says it was perfect timing, because she had softened over the months and had had tentative thoughts about trusting me again. I made it extremely clear to her that all of this was in NO WAY a bribe to get her to love me again. Just a love gift, an expression of my renewed committment to her, . . . to us.

And we have not been the same since. That was in February. We are now so much closer than ever before. There is nothing between us. We’ve had little spats, but make up very quickly. We are strongly walking TOGETHER in the service of Jesus, praying together and living for Him and with Him day by day. Yes I still look at boys. But God gives me increasing control. And as Cat and Blaze among others constantly remind us, we CHOOSE to keep our eyes, hearts and dicks pure. We sex again. I don’t often find her body particularly attractive, and often have the problems Cat has described. But we love. And we have fun. Sadly, sometimes I need to think of teenbois before I can come. I don’t like that. But God is still on the throne, and I look to Him. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t live life pain-free. Still take big doses of medications. Still often panicky. But no more porn, no more cruising. God is good. God is great. His lovingkindness lasts forever. And He’s our Dad and King.

Long post, but I wanted to give some encouragement to you my precious brothers, to let you in on our little miracle – especially to you who are married and doing it pretty tough.

Again, you are all SO special to me and are thought of and prayed for so much more than evinced by my visible presence here!

God’s richest and lavish grace to each one of you mighty men – day by day, moment by moment. There is no one else in this wide world anything like you. No one who can do or be just what you can and are. You are unique. You are cherished by God, Who paid a great price to purchase you. You are highly valued, deeply loved, totally forgiven, FULLY pleasing, accepted and complete in Christ. Bask and Live in the Light of that Truth!

With much affection, respect and gratitude,

Your brother in Jesus,

Martin