It took me years to come to terms with being BL and, even when I thought I had, there were still pockets of self-denial - and probably still are. When I was living in -, a small village, children would visit me (I was very young myself) and one lad latched on to me and spent more time in my flat than in his own (he lived downstairs.) He was a troubled boy, very unpopular and often aggressive with his peers (when he felt cornered). He needed a dad and he was gentle, funny, very intelligent and fantastic company. He often wanted to wrestle and I hated doing it first because he was so strong and second because of the noise! One day he got hold of me and wanted to wrestle and at one point got on my back. He suddenly went still and I was going to put him down. Then he put a finger on the nape of my neck and it was touch like noone else has ever given me: full of gratitude and joy. Sounds silly perhaps but it was very real: like a current of electricity. I always felt that he loved me far more than I loved him but I didnt realise how much I HAD grown to love him (I was never attracted to him physically) until he had to move away. Then I missed him desperately.
I was never self-conscious about our relationship until I was staying in a hotel near his new home and he got someone to drive him over to see me and wanted to stay with me in the hotel.
You know that feeling you get when you notice people looking at you in a strange way? I got it then and it filled me with despair. This was a relationship which was going nowhere. The future then seemed very bleak. I didn't let him stay by the way.

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