that reminds me of the boy who was (has always been) the great love of my life when I was living in _________. (he's about 43 now) I was teaching at his school but never actually taught him personally (thank heavens) and only saw him from afar though we were on friendly smiling terms (rather like in 'death in venice' actually). There was just something about him that completely blew me away (quite apart from his stunning good looks) . . . and I often used to fantasize about having him as a proper friend. But when it came to closeness there was only one time I could even bring myself to hug him (in my fantasy I mean of course) let alone anything more! I fought with that for years . . . . but because I loved him so much (in those romantic days I even wrote poems and music about him) it would have had to have been completely mutual and our relationship was never going to go there . . . and so reality invades fantasy and I suppose that is where pictures come in - boys one doesnt know I mean . . . perhaps that is where the dangerous retreat starts . . .
as to the celibacy issue, perhaps it doesn't make too much sense to you as a protestant Christian (I am making assumptions here) . . . I am certainly not suggesting that all homosexuals are called to celibacy. [I personally have absolutely no problem with gay partnerships], but I can only judge by my own experience and I am more and more convinced that there is a spiritual aspect to 'boylove' which I can only glimpse at rare moments. for me, the recognition of my own 'call to celibacy' came very late (I have fought against it without realising for years and years) and has been both a revelation and a personal joy. It is also (like lots of things in my life) something of a secret. I am also convinced that, if it has been such a struggle for me to realise this thing about celibacy then I am probably not the only one . . . .oh yeah and I didnt wake up in a sweat or anything . . .