I share your feeling. The only one thing that keeps me from committing suicide is the doubt. I do not know if death is worse, I only know that it is irreversible. What if after I die I suffer more then now? What if causing my own death will make me suffer more then now?

I know it is not the best way to live Christianity. This way I'm not really seeking the Grace of God, I'm just fleeing from sin; I'm not seeking Heaven, I'm trying to not to go to hell.

But I simply do not know what to do. Reverse my addiction to sin? How? Trusting in the Holy Spirit? I do! But I'm so weak! My feelings totally overcome me!

I try to NOT to think of good thinks. I try to accept that to live is to suffer. Jesus told us we are supposed to accept our cross. I try to think that it is better to suffer now then after death, that it is better to get my reward later from God's hand then now by my own ways. I try to think that if I try to keep by God's side along this life of suffering, there will be reward, even if this reward will take a long, long time to come.

Even with all this trying to think things, nearly all I can think of is suffering. That makes me wish my own death with all my heart and soul. But I must stand it. I have to take it. If I don't, it will be worse. I must be patient. I must try just to live another day.

Yet, all I can think of is suffering.