Christian BoyLove Forum #66939
I'm sorry to respond to your message so late but due to reasons I had no control over, I was unable to browse CBLF for the last few months..
But that time has passed :)
Jaackov, you are in an amazing spot.
You are discerning God's will. You are asking God what is the best thing he has in store for you.
My priest at class once told us that he thinks that we are at an amazing time in life. We no longer think of God in a childish way (a bearded man who rejoices with us when we are happy and who is angry at us when we disobey him), but we need to think it through - WHY should I actually go to church? Is God REALLY present in my life? Basically: should I stay (with Him) or should I go?
You are miles ahead of that average young adult. You already know Jesus. You've already chosen Him to be your Lord. And now, you ask:
"God, what am I to do?"
You see, that's where all the stories of the saints began. When by grace they came to know God, they dedicated themselves to Him and went with Him wherever He led them.
Here's where your sainthood really comes to life.
What I think would be most helpful in this situation is really A LOT of time spent in prayer. You and God need to really talk this through :D For example:
1. I would recommend going to Mass often - not only on Sundays. You are His; let Jesus know that you WANT to encounter Him when He shows himself really, truly present in the bread and wine.
2. Read tons of Scripture. While regular prayer with your own words is very important, God shares what HE wants to say in His Word.
3. Find a retreat IN SILENCE. Jesuits are famous for organizing those. On such retreats you spend whole days learning about and SPEAKING WITH Jesus. I've been to one such retreat and I'm amazed by the results.
St. Ignatious of Loyola used to say something along these lines: "Do not just discern, but be a person of discernment".
The most important thing is that As long as you live for yourself, you will not be fulfilled.
We are simply not meant to live for ourselves. Look at how willing you are to marry - not only so that you can recieve the other person, but also so that your actions and being can be ordered towards another person.
However, the ultimate person who we are made to be with is JESUS.
While a pair of people within a marriage live with each other, Jesus dwells IN YOUR BODY.
While a pair of people within a marriage may have sex with each other (become one soul and one body), Jesus can give His Body for you to EAT; that's how you can experience the co-existence of persons you are looking for in marriage.
While a pair of people within a marriage get along with each other, you and Jesus were LITERALLY made for each other. [to be more exact, a man was made to be with 'a' woman and for THE Jesus Christ]
While a pair of people within a marriage may experience rejection from one another, Jesus never rejects you - but you can reject Him.
This list could be way longer. The point is, that celibacy (putting the union with Jesus first in your life) is a way to express your sexuality as a man; the love that can otherwise be ordered towards another person in marriage can also be centered on Christ. And, of course, that is not selfish of us; the love of the Lord brings us to do things for others we wouldn't even think possible.
And I have to admit I've explained celibacy kind of backwards. Thing is, in heaven we will be united to the Lord. That is our ultimate destiny. That is the ultimate joy that we are waiting for.
Marriage, however, is an image OF THAT UNION - spouses should love each other in a way similar to how Jesus loves you or me. We shouldn't explain celibacy in relation to marriage - we should be explaining marriage in relation to the union we are awaiting in heaven.
If marriage is an image of that union, then celibacy is trying to live it right here on Earth.
What I mean to say is that while living this union with Jesus Christ might not take away your feelings, it gives meaning and purpose to your life. While (as in marriage) this relationship might not make you the happiest person on Earth (although it should make you joyful), it will make sure you lead a life you can be satisfied of - 'a satisfactory life' you were looking for in your post.
PS. This might surprise you but you're not the first person to formulate his desire like that.
Cat (in comments below the post):
"I don't expect God to fulfill my companionship desire. It is part of my created being. And its a part that He created to be filled by other people. Particularly a wife... but mine is broken :("
He also realized that his attraction to boys was basically wanting to marry one of them. I am seriously impressed with how both of you came to the same conclusions in such different scenarios. It just proves your understanding of theology and your own sexuality / psychology is on such a high level :)
Well, it seems you already are experienced in discernment. Best of luck!