Christian BoyLove Forum #66830
Testimonies like yours are always a shock to me. It hurts me to know how you feel about yourself. I sincerely hope and pray that your situation gets better.
I'm a lucky man - I have never experienced the kind of pain you described.
I would like to tell you, however, what helps me through the lower-scale problems I have.
My father is not a very easy man to live with. We love each other, but we're having problems with communication and priorities. There are times when I feel like expressing my anger - usually by screaming back at him, sometimes by giving him the same treatment he does to me. But, every time this happens, I remind myself:
I am not my thoughts nor desires.
I am not my attraction.
I am a human being - I do, what I think is right. There are two voices in everybody's head: one that calls you to do evil, the other - good.
Whatever bad things we think or feel are just that - a voice, nothing more.
What really is important, my friend, is love.
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God,
and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
(1 John 4, 7-8)
It doesn't matter, what thoughts come into your mind. Additionally, all the things you did, when forced to, are irrelevant to your love for others.
And love for yourself.
"Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good."
There is a well-known saying: "You can't love others until you love yourself". I couldn't agree more.
Like all of us, you make mistakes. You did so earlier and will continue to. This is a tragic fact, but also a truth that needs to be accepted.
We are all deeply flawed like that. Despite that, we need to allow ourselves to love ourselves.
It is hard. But whenever you are having trouble with loving, or at least accepting yourself, remember: Jesus died, so that you can have your sins removed. You, in Jesus, can become a new being - someone free from sin. You can be reborn.
" Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new"
(2 Cor 5, 17)
Just let Jesus work in your life. And then, this will happen:
"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith."
(1 John 5, 4)
I wish that to you wholeheartedly. Please hold on to what God has given you.
You are in my prayers.