Christian BoyLove Forum #65931
Believe me, I know how you feel. I now see young people whom I've known since they were little kids having kids; and their parents (who are about the same age as me) are now grandparents. And I think, "I should be a grandparent.". But I've never had the chance to be a parent. And as far as I know, I never will. It is enough to drive a person to depression and drink. But I absolutely refuse to do either.
I disagree with your last statement. There is a lot you can do in your life that can compare to having a kid. You can do something to make a difference in the life of a kid...or someone. When I was drinking I was feeling lower than I've ever felt in my life. I knew I couldn't have children and I also knew I was really screwing up. What kind of legacy was I going to leave behind when I die? Easy answer....the worst kind. A drunk who did nothing for anyone and finally died in horrible debt. Definately not the way I wanted to be remembered. It was one of the reasons I felt such a huge need to quit drinking. That and I knew I wasn't serving God at all...I surely wasn't doing His will.
But now I feel I have something to offer, something really good. I don't know how it is where you live, but in the community where I live, alcohol and drugs are a big problem, especially with kids and young adults. I've seen so much in this little town it's shocking. About two years ago my brother and I started a very unique music program that almost instantly became very popular with some of the poorest kids in town. We rented an unused store building and, along with other friends, filled it with music equipment. Then we opened the doors and let anyone who wanted to come in and play come on in. Naturally it attracted kids, both from rich families and from poor families. Kids who are into experimenting with drugs and alcohol. That's why I was so down on myself while I was drinking. Here I should have been setting a good example for those kids and I wasn't. I was never falling down drunk around them but quite often I had the strong odor of booze on my breath and they knew it.
But now they ALL know something different. Because I have made no secret about quitting. They all know I am attending A.A. meetings and I do not drink. Of course I don't preach to them about drinking, but they know where I stand and they can see the positive effects this is having in my life. I now feel like I am making a difference....that my life matters and I am doing God's will. Maybe it's not a big thing to some people, but I'm sure that God feels different. Hey, if even one kid decides not to drink or do drugs because of my example, then I have done something huge. Or maybe they will think of me latter on in life and it will help inspire them to quit. I don't know, but I am determined to keep going. I feel that this is my legacy. Maybe I'm helping these kids in a way that their parents will never be able to.
Anyway, I am NOT less than that person and neither are you. If a dumb drunk of a BL like me can find a way to make a difference, then so can you. Let God show you the way. I'm pulling for you...so is God. You are not less in His eyes!