Christian BoyLove Forum #64874
My depressions usually last for 4-5 hours at a time. I have got another 2-3 hours to go. I am revising "Financial Management" a module of my accountancy programme. I have been writing down questions and e-mailing them to the staff at my correspondent's college.
I have very low self-esteem for all sorts of reasons, not just associated with BL. I had a dreadful career as a teacher. To make matters worse, I became a teacher because I liked the look of boys. I was in denial of this at the time. It was not until I was in my early 30s that I came to terms with my sexuality, by which time it was too late.
I don't like myself as a BL. I realise that I did not choose this orientation. I know that it is a "gift" from God. But it is not one that I have experienced very happily. Possibly I may be a pioneer. Possibly, in common with other people in here I could work for BL acceptance, but I don't see that as a privilege. I wish that I either had another orientation or had been born at another time and place.
It is hard enough for ex-teachers to change careers at the best of times. Teachers are not given much respect in the UK, and failed teachers are despised. I think that the general public, many of whom are employers, have had negative experiences of schooling or their children have and they take their frustration out on teachers in general and failed teachers in particular. My job prospects are very poor and are made worse by the economic situation.
I feel frustrated with life generally. I don't have much money and am restricted in terms of my ability to have a social life. I am also not a naturally gifted communicator and a sensitive personality. I find that others don't have a lot of respect for sensitive people. I have always found work place relationships hard. I am rather accident prone and attract unforgiving people.
My home life as a child was difficult. My parents allowed my brothers to bully me. We don't speak to this day. Relationships are made harder because I am the only believer in my family. My brothers have been successful in life. I have not. I am the failure to end all failures. At three and a half I was diagnosed as having Apserger's Syndrome. Part of my education was spent in the special sector. I found it difficult to make friends and in adult life found it difficult to understand young people precisely because my own up-bringing was so atypical.
I feel without hope. It seems incongruous and indeed tragic, that I should be minor attracted when I have so little capacity to understand young people. The only positive that I can see in this, is that I recognise the fault in myself and am aware of my need to listen.
I did not do very well at school or university. Still, I did go, but did not do well enough to be confident of securing a professional job (although I do hold two Master's degrees). The problem is that it also rules me out as over-qualified if I wanted to set my sights lower and just get a job of any description. There would also be concerns about my ability to fit in. Even when I was seven years old I was teased because I had what was thought to be a "posh accent". Even now I can face discrimination because of this from adults who should know better. I read Mathematics, which would single me out as a bit "geeky".
So I don't think that there is a lot of hope. I know that God promises hope to all, but my life really has been hopeless.
When I'm depressed there is a temptation to look at boys in youtube videos but that just feeds my depression, dwelling on what I cannot have. I am writing a book aimed at giving hope to minor attracted persons and education to people broad-minded enough to seek it, but a lot of the time I am not sure that I really believe in what I am saying.
I am also in mourning for my teaching career disastrous though it was. I feel that I have been through something like a bereavement or a divorce but many more times traumatic than that. I will save that for another time. I revised for half an hour and found an intelligent question. I should like to go back to my work. I will come back here next time I need a break.