Christian BoyLove Forum #64702
I'm kind of at this fence in my life, where I can see in front of me, and it's pretty and things are going well. Then I look back and see all this 'stuff' and it's bittersweet. I have no right to complain about... anything in my life right now, so please don't let this come across as a complaint.
It's much deeper than that.
Kids who are my age - that I've fell in love with in the years before, whether long ago or recent still have some kind of hold on my heart.
Thinking back, the first boy I ever fell in love with was about eleven when I met him, I was about 15 months older. And he was so adorable, so kind - a little withdrawn but that just made getting to know him interesting. Now he's a fucking drunk. An idiot, probably a father to several different children. When I look at him, I still see him as that boy he was. Now he's just pathetic. Why do people THROW themselves away?
On another hand, a guy my age whom I fell in love with in high school - loved me back, but in fear of being gay - pushed me away and ended the relationship - and claimed it was because he was joining the military and didn't want any attachments going in. Then he asked a girl out - who instantly broke up with her OLD boyfriend to date him. Recently I found out after coming back from his first tour - he dumped her as well, and is just a partying, shitty little frat boy.
Because of something deep down, planted within me, because I once cared about these people it seems impossible to just let them go. These are actually only a couple of examples. I seemlessly want to indulge myself in stories whether be it books, movies, tv or video games because I just don't want to think about it. It seems unhealthy - but at the same time the only time I think about it is when I'm not doing something. But then I recognize that it does actually hurt. Emotional wounds, can you really ignore them?