Christian BoyLove Forum #64052
I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do. I recall feeling that way myself long ago and I wish no one had to go through something like that. The good news is that things can get better. I haven't felt the way you do in a very long time. Lately, I feel happy most of the time.
Your post reminds me of a post someone else made some months ago. I think my response to that person applies just as much to you, so I am including an updated version of it below. One of these days I should do a mental exercise wherein I write a letter to my old self, the depressed suicidal me that existed some years ago. Perhaps after I've done that exercise, I will post that letter for those who seem to be at a similar dark place to where I was back then.
The life of a BL does not have to be one of loneliness and guilt. Many of us have had relationships with boys that were very fulfilling for both parties. Keep in mind, relationships do not have to involve sex in order to be fulfilling. Even if you are the type of person who craves physical affection, hugs and other non-sexual touches can be very fulfilling. Thus you really shouldn't be living with this mindset that relationships with boys are impossible and can never happen. They can and do happen and many BLs have had multiple wholesome relationships with boys throughout their life. Chances are, if you are currently living a life of sadness, now is probably not the time for you to meet any boys; but you shouldn't close yourself off to the possibility that the future "happy you" has close friends who are boys.
You also have to consider that there is a lot more to life than boys. Looking forward to next week's kayaking expedition or mountain biking trip can be just as exciting as looking forward to hanging out with your yf. Helping build a house with Habitat for Humanity can be just as fulfilling as helping a boy in need of a mentor. Surely there are things out there besides boys that you can get excited about; whether those be active outdoors activities like mountain biking and kayaking, or sedentary cerebral ones like playing D&D or joining a book or film club. There are also a lot of ways to serve the community that don't involve boys and can be very fulfilling. Thus, even a life without boys can be one filled with fun, spice, and excitement.
I would encourage you to work to get yourself out of the period of sadness you are in. Part of this involves making things that you find fun or exciting central to your life. Join some clubs, meet people with similar interests, become more involved in your church, etc. It's pretty hard to be sad when you are psyched about the big hiking expedition coming up, the marathon you are about to run, next week's motorcycle ride, tonight's concert, or the new magic the gathering expansion that's about to hit the shelves.
I would also encourage you to practice goal setting and a goal oriented lifestyle. Take a look at where you are and see all of those paths branching out before you. Figure out where you want to be in the long term. Where would you like to be 20, 30, or 40 years from now? Then, figure out what you need to do to get there. Where do you need to be 10 years from now in order to be where you want to be 20 years from now? Where do you need to be 5 years from now in order for you to be where you need to be 10 years from now? What do you need to do from now on in order to be where you need to be 5 years from now? Start with the goal and then figure out how to reach it. Figure out what you need to do to get where you want to be, then do it. Yes, your plans are likely to change and thus your short term goals will shift. But the result of living life this way is that you will always be living life with a purpose. You won't be just living day to day, you will have your eye on the prize (even if the prize changes as life goes on). There is a big difference between living an aimless life and one where you are driven by a clear goal. Sure, a lot of times the goal does change, but that doesn't mean all of those achievements you earned get flushed down the drain. The goal may be different in the end, but you will still have a lifetime of achievements to look back on.
Yeah, being a bl can suck at times. I've been there; I'm sure we all have. At times it can all seem so hopeless. But it doesn't have to stay that way. You can make a good life for yourself. You can find happiness.