I didn't realize you weren't a Christian. That makes what you're going thru even harder. I'm not saying it would be easy if you were a Christian. But I've found God to be indispensable for me in dealing with my pedophilia. My faith in God has helped me get thru numerous low times. And God's faith in me and His working in my life has kept my life from becoming a total wreck. So my main advice to you would be to check out this thing called Christianity and find out what this Jesus person is all about. Having a personal relationship with Jesus won't make all your troubles go away. Christians have as many struggles as everyone else. But it gives you a vast resource you can call upon when you need to. I encourage you to pray about what you're feeling and ask God to reveal himself to you. Even if you don't believe in Him, pray anyway. I remember one of my first prayers before I became a Christian and surrendered my life to Him, started out something like, "God. I don't know if you exist, but if you do....." And believe it or not He honored that prayer.

From your various posts, it sounds like you're obsessed with your YF. Been there, done that. It sucks. I'm sorry that I can't give you some magic answer about that. All I know is that while loving a boy is really fantastic even though it can be a bit painful at times, obsessively loving a boy is mostly pain. It can eat you up. When I was obsessing over a boy, I prayed about it and God helped me to eventually get over it. I really don't know what a guy can do about it under only his own power.

i want these negative feelings, fears, etc. to go away...and i think the only way is to love him selflessly...would that work, is that possible?

I don't think any human can love another totally selflessly, but yes it's possible to get close to that. Even that won't totally take away your fears, but it would help.

i dont want to get over him, forget him, replace him, move on, etc...is that possible?

You'll never replace him. One cannot replace one person with another. But you CAN get over him. But that's not possible as long as you don't want to.

i want to find a purpose in life, fulfillment and i think that will lead me to happiness like it did before. is that possible?

That's a very good idea Finding a purpose in life can endeed bring you happiness. And it will also help you in your obsessive feelings toward your YF. You'll still love him. But if you find other things that give you a sense of fulfillment, you might find yourself not obsessing over him as much. It doesn't have to be anything grandiose, like world peace. Just try to find some little things that give you a sense of accomplishment.

Dakota