i am feeling like i did years ago when i was a lot younger, a lot more immature, a lot more vulnerable. i guess ive backtracked and at least for the time being lost all my growth and protection i built up.

i am hurting right now because ive always thought that my yfs would be disgusted by me if they knew that i actually at some point in the past or present want to kiss them and sleep with them. ive always tried to compensate that disgusting desire of mine with positive things in their life...so at least they are getting something out of it.

and no ive never acted out those desires.

the truth is, i am disgusted by the way i am...a pedophile. i always have been. ive just tried to compensate in other ways and ignore this fact of who i am. what really really hurts is that my yfs are the people i love the most in the world yet they would never be if they actually knew who i really was.