Here's a poem I wrote in 2000 that could echo some feelings of others here. It's about teenbois in general.

Thank God the despair has resolved somewhat since then - all praise to Him.


LORELIE
(LORELEYE)

Oh! how I long to hold you in my arms,
To graze forever in your placid, laughing eyes,
To caress your silken-soft honeybrown skin,
Rake my fervent fingers through your sundrenched hair,
Trace the luscious lines of your limpid lips,
The exquisite, fine, perfection of your pretty young face

Passion for you consumes my very soul —
I’m obsessed, possessed, with desperate desire
To hold you & have you, absorb you deep into me,
Become one with you, eat you & drink you
Deep, deep in to the core of my being

A fleeting glimpse of you far in the distance,
The subtlest scent of your sweet golden voice
Mesmerize, fix me, aroused & attentive,
Paralysed, raging with deepest desire.

Oh, how potent the spell you weave through me,
I’m entranced & beguiled by your utter perfection
My heart yearns for you, my soul longs for you,
Like a parched, thirsty land longs for water.
Life feels like it’s not worth living without you,
But with you near me, intoxicated
I live in a world of a dream come true

I feast my eyes on your breathtaking beauty
And drink & drink of your youthful grace,
Your joy & energy, carefree simplicity
Charm & bewitch me into your power
I want you, need you, more than anything else
In this whole world of sadness, futility, pain

And when you are callously ripped away from me
I grieve tears of blood as my heart splits apart
Devastated I lie paralysed in a stupour
Of disbelief, shame, despair, anguish & torture

As I gaze at a world of gray on greys,
Your iridescence sets my eyes ablaze
Igniting fires, intensest desires
That cannot be quenched but rage higher & higher

Oh how can I bear such intolerable yearning,
How long will your matchless beauty keep burning
Yet spurning the me that is crying & dying
Of fear & rejection just craving connection?

I cannot watch TV or set foot outside,
Read the paper, a magazine, go for a drive
But you coo me, woo me, & seduce me,
Rue me, screw me, — & then noose me.
How did it ever get to be like this?
What fetid cesspit bred this shit?

– Once upon a tortured time
Lurched an innocent sensitive child,
An orphaned bereaved abandoned wee spirit,
Exposed & neglected, used & abused,
Preyed on by putrid & pervert lust.
– I’m: “Fuckin’ Hell”, but it’s Hell fuckin’ me,
He’s been doing it well since I was just three

How I loathe, detest & hate you,
You deceive, delude & rape me
You control my every thought & plan & deed,
My every waking moment is poisoned by your greed
As you lure me with your promises of peace

Even when I am surrounded by the ones who really care,
You blind me, paralyse me to their love:
My eyes seem for you only,
You eclipse all those dear to me
As you loudly flaunt your bodies,
Prostitute your warm brown flesh
And sink your vampire fangs into my soul

I’m trapped, I’m chained, there’s no way out,
I’m drowning in the cesspool of your filth
It hurts so much, you hurt me so very very much
I RAGE AGAINST YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL EVIL ANGUISH
Oh that my eyes were plunged in acid or gouged out dripping
But that I’m scared, so scared of the pain,
What release & relief – & despair – I’d gain
Yet what is worse than the agony
Of the torment of your siren bodies . . . . ?