Last night my wife said to me "I wish you would go and kill yourself".

I know that she didn't really mean it. Later when I went out for a walk she said "don't do anything stupid".

I have to say I haven't taken it to heart, I understand that she's hurting, but I hope you guys can understand that it hurt me enough that I just had to tell someone.

Even SHE suggested that I force myself out of marital obligation and duty to sex with her. And I really want to.

I went for a walk.
I considered all I have to lose, my wife, my kids, my church and my YF*. All I have to do to keep them is sex her. My knees gave out and I almost threw up.
*(my wife says if we divorce she wants to go to separate churches and I think rather than pull my whole family out of our church it would be better for them if I left it).

Now I really deeply love my wife and kids and have been sexing my wife for nearly 20 years so that I could be the "husband" and preserve the relationships. But wonder of wonders it is my YF that proved my most motivating factor.
HOW CRAZY IS THIS?.... I thought I would sex her up so that I get to keep him. Love of a boy has the potential to make me endure for my wife. This makes me laugh! What irony.

But I thought about it some more and the thought of going back to sexing her has overwhelmed me so much that I don't think anything could compel me to go back to it. Time for me to be what I am and trust in God's mercy.
The cost of self-acceptance is proving very high.

Blessings
Cat.