Hi Cat,

Thanks for the welcome and the replies. Almost as soon as I started posting, you disappeared. I thought I'd run you off :-) Glad you're still around.

> How do we set the example for young gay guys growing up in the Christian world?

Good question! I don't have any experience in that area, so it's difficult to say. One thing a friend remarked about just today, is that, in "mentor"-type relationships, one needs to be very careful that romantic bonds do not get formed, and suggested meeting in public, and not meeting too frequently. I tend to agree. And, I think, in the context of being a friend or mentor to a gay boy, this is critical. If I was friends with a boy who obviously had romantic feelings for me, too, though my intentions might be very pure initially, I would really struggle to not allow things to get out of hand. I think we can have a lot to offer boys struggling in this area, but it's probably 1000 times more important (in cases like this) to have really good boundaries. I'd say one should only meet in public, or at church, or some other "safe" area (where temptation would be minimized). And, it might be very helpful to think of it more as a "counseling" arrangement than a regular friendship.

> And is it wrong to have romantic feelings? If we only express them in a godly manner.

We can't control whether or not we are attracted to a boy, and I certainly don't think attraction, in and of itself, is wrong (or reason to avoid a particular relationship). But, allowing that attraction to develop into romantic feelings is dangerous ground. Romantic feelings implies romance; it implies emotional bonding; it might even result in feelings of exclusivity and jealousy. If we nurture romantic feelings for someone, even if it's only in our heart, we're starting down a road that was designed to end in lifelong commitment and marriage. For us that's just not an option (unless it's with a woman), so why even start that journey?

For what it's worth, I still feel that cuddling is going too far. The only people who cuddle are those who are "in love" and in a relationship that is something more than just friendship. Brothers don't cuddle. A father might cuddle his very young son, but when a boy gets into the teen years, that's not appropriate anymore. I just don't think it's right to form a relationship with a boy that goes beyond a brother/father/mentor role.

> Just because we are broken, does that mean we should be denied any same gender companionship... or only sexual companionship.

I struggle with this sometimes. In fact, when I posted my introduction message about a month ago, I was dealing with this. I was at a low point emotionally, and had been downloading lots of naturist pictures of boys. It stirred up some exciting feelings in me, and I was really struggle with having to give that up. I was trying to find some way that God would allow me to continue looking at these images. After all, I don't know that I'll ever have any one-on-one romantic/sexual relationship in real life ... can't I just look at pictures that make me feel good? The problem is, I quickly found myself wanting more and more, to the point that I almost had no life outside of work and hunting for pictures. It consumed me! I concluded that I can't be "on the fence" about this. Either I have to give up God and spend my life doing whatever I feel I can get away with, or I have to give up the images and commit myself, in His strength, to not nurture lustful feelings in my heart.

I know that romantic feelings are different from lust. I'm not saying it's entirely the same thing, but I think there are similarities. When we nurture romantic feelings for a boy, we're nurturing something that cannot ever reach fulfillment. Continuing down that path can only lead to either "broken emotional bonds" when the relationship ends (resulting in heartache), or sin (if we end up going too far). I think the only safe thing is to not try and straddle the fence between friendship and romance. If we commit to not allowing romantic feelings to develop, we save ourselves (and the boy), the pain of a "breakup", and we don't have to suffer continually with the pain of unfulfilled desires. [To clarify that last bit: The problem with romantic feelings -- like lustful pictures -- is that they're always going to push for more. In a heterosexual relationship, that great, because it leads men and women down the path to lifelong love and commitment. But for us, the desire for a deeper experience is always going to be there, but it can never be fully satisfied. We'll continually be longing for what we can't have. In my opinion, it's a LOT LESS PAINFUL to not even go down that road. For what it's worth, since deciding to delete the pictures I had, things have been pretty good. Not perfect, but God provides a lot of grace. I am not struggling continually with lustful feelings (like I was when I had the pictures); I'll have one occasionally, but I give it to Him and it goes away quite quickly. Compared with the constant thirst for more I was experiencing with the pictures, it's no contest. I'll take this any day!]

One more comment about "does that mean we should be denied any same gender companionship... or only sexual companionship": Since we have been talking about "romantic feelings", that's how I responded above. But, I don't think companionship necessarily has to imply romance, does it? I don't see any problem with having a really good friendship with a boy (in the brother/father/mentor sense), and something like that can be very fulfilling. In fact, I'd say a purely NON-romantic relationship with a boy is likely to be MORE fulfilling than a romantic one, because a non-romantic one does not have the added pain and frustration of "not being able to" (go as far in the relationship as romance is designed to take us). Keeping a friendship purely platonic will not result in any hurt to us, hurt to the boy, or risk of a negative impact to the boy's emotional/sexual development. On the other hand, it can also have a very positive impact on the boy when we are focused, not on our own desire for romance, but on what God wants to do in the boy's life. There is a great deal of freedom in keeping everything completely "above board". God can really work in such a relationship in ways that we couldn't even imagine.

I hope I haven't been too negative, Cat! That wasn't my intent.

Blessings,
Rainboy