I cant take it anymore, Im tired of the pain, the loneliness, the
suffereing, the constant yearning and missing of what I cant have...it never gets any better. Even if I lived a thousand years or another one minute the only difference would be the amount of pain Im going to be subjected to in that time so I feel I might as well just end it soon.

Pleasurable moments never last, at the end of the day I always find myself in the same hole Ive never been able to crawl out from.

Being a BL takes too much effort, keeping in the secrets from people close to you and the world, puting on a fake mask of hapiness and trying to appear normal by socity's standards, trying not to think about all the things that cause you distress, trying not to let others see you taking a glance towards a boy, trying not to fall into depression, trying not to see the things that your missing out on, trying to be satisfied with the crap life you have, trying to overlook the fact that life could have been so fulfilling and amazing had I been born into an accaptable sexuality,
The constant level of effort I can no longer sustain.

Im done trying now, now Im just tired and I accept defeat. I want to die and Im no longer scared of death what I'm actually scared of is living and continuing to feel this pain, if you can even call the existence I have a life.

The momentary spark of life I feel inside me when I see a beautiful bright face is even more of a confirmation of how amazing it must feel for people who are able to share their lives with someone they love.

I always took pride in being an honest and gentle person, who always respects the wellbing of others but it hurts me so much to be seen as
something Im not, to be seen as a monster when infact Ive chosen never to be with boys, to be detested by society when Ive never done anything wrong to anyone, to be generalised and streotyped into category that is far from the person I am.

I dont have the energy to play their game anymore, as if the the loneliness wasnt bad enough, the restrictions and in fear of being outed for a sexual pereference I never chose in the first place is draining enough.

I just want it all to end and Im angry at my parents because they would be hurt by my death and if they werent around it would be so much easier to kill myself. I find myself being more and more wreckless with pain medications lately hoping it would just kill me, even as I write this the room is spining and im hoping I will find myself in a better place but at the same time I know my survival instict failed me once again as I failed to take enough opiates to even achieve that. Why is it so hard to even die.