I guess I'm not being clear enough. My point is that, at least in my experience, when I have positive 'intimate' relationships with a variety of people without a sexual component, then the pressure on the sexual area fades. Not entirely. Not all the time. But it becomes a lot more manageable. But if I fail to find the intimate relationships that I need then it runs out of control and I get ever more miserable. That seems to be where you are: you are fixated on the impasse presented by the fact that you want a relationship with a boy but know it would be a bad idea, and as a result are digging yourself ever deeper into a hole. I'm saying you need to work on the other relationships - and that way this hole will get filled. It's not obvious - why should a time of real sharing with a older woman reduce my need for a boy? But that does seem to be how it works... at least for me.