Hi Unique,

gald you came by the board again :).

I'd like to make some comments to your comments. I come from a place where my sexuality is 100% BL and I chose to marry in an attempt to "get healed" that failed to heal me and yet... has been reasonably sucessful as a marriage overall. My wife and I have had a bad couple of years... like REALLY bad... it's been tortrous. Nevertheless from a companionship perspective it has been VERY GOOD and I continue to hope... despite the ongoing problems that my wife and I will make it.

"I'm a boy lover whos made the choice stay cellebate"
Ok if that means cellebate from boy sexing I'm all for it. But I don't believe that boy-sex cellebacy has to mean all sex celebacy. I'm not at all attracted to women but I have found sex in my marriage to be a fulfulling experience. I have to think about boys when I sex with my wife or I can't get anywhere, but I've come to be ok with that and my wife is working on getting ok with it. Despite this "boy" issue, I find the touch, intimacy and love I have for my wife in sex to be very genuine.

Thus: "this loneliness and having to miss out on love and not being able to share my life with someone is causing me great grief and pain" does not have to be. Marriage is hard for straight guys ... it's even harder for BLs and their wives... but it's God's provision for companionship and I don't beleive we should abandon it just because we lack the attraction.

"I dont have a choice in who I am and no amount of anger, resentment or hurt is going to change that or make a life of cellebacy or my loneliness any easier."
I agree you don't have a choice in who you are. You do have something of a choice about being cellebate. The two things are not mutually exclusive. You may think getting married to a woman would be worse than being lonely... fair enough, don't do it. My point is simply, don't think that BECAUSE you are a BL you CANNOT marry a woman and be happy.

"I have to just put up with the cards Ive been dealt by keeping myself busy, and trying to find hapiness elsewhere and hopefully when I die I will be at peace in the next life."
I'm sure there are many Christians with all sorts of problems, regardless of sexuality, that could say such a thing. Amen.

I dont ever want to have an intimate realationship with a boy, its agaisnt my morals, my beliefs, and personally I dont think I could live with myself if it ever happened"
I feel the same when it comes to sexually intimate relationships... but what about close and loving friendships. I find having a close friend who is a boy is very satisifying experience. I have so much love to share with him and the limitations bring their own share of frustrations but... what I do have is brilliant. It will never be romantic or sexual and that's fine by me... it's still wonderful.

"Some would suggest having a pet, or a lot of good friends, or finding love elsewhere but I've been there and tried that and it seems nothing fills that big void that only a lover, a soul mate or a partner can fill, I feel the emptiness of not being able to share my life with someone. Ultimately I wish I was just a regular heterosexual or homosexual person and be a part of experiencing the great gift of love and romance, being able to wake up with someone in the mornings and share the joys and the pain the day had to offer."
Your assumption seems to be that only a boy compaion would fulfill this desire and hunger in you. In my experience that is not the case. Sure a boy compaion would be MOST desirable and perhaps the MOST WONDERFUL THING IMAGINABLE... but... since that's out.... why must that be the only option? I "share my life" quite satisfactorly with my wife, I experience love and romance and waking up with her and sharing joy and pain. Sure the sex is complicated and dealing with that has been VERY challenging for us in the last few years....thought we were totally not going to make it (perhaps we may still fail).... still. In my opinion... worth it.

"Somedays are easier than others but those bad days really choke me up, that burning heavy tight painful sensation full of sadness and resentment, it seems to rise from the void in my chest or maybe from my heart and encompasses my whole body and flows out in the form of choking tears. Sometimes I repeat over and over gain..I wish I was never here, I wish I never existed."
If you think that marriage to a woman is not for you and that cellebacy is the only option then yeah... you are going to have those good and bad days. But you know what... that's ok. It's ok that you have days where you feel like life is choking you. The beauty is that in God's grace such days come and go. We don't always feel like that. There is enough wonderful stuff in life to keep us going on the good days. Again it's just a matter of accepting the cards we've been delt. The sadness is a cost of being true to your faith.... it's only temporary. Once Jesus appears... it really will have been worth it.

"why is it so hard to die especially when my life is so painful and meaningless."
Because a) it's possilbe to live with pain and still have a great life and b) because your life is not meaningless. It obviously means something to you. It certainly means something to God and unless you live as a total hermit, it means something to those who know and love you. Many of us find meaning in relationships. With God, with our church community, with our families, with wives and with children. All of these things are available to most people, yourself included.

"Ocassionally I get a momentory sense of excitement for life when I catch a wiew of a breathtaking boy in some random public place, but it is short lived when I look up to find their parents staring at me or some other person looking at me. Whilst the rest of the world is humping like rabbits I dont even have the basic freedom to use my eyes to appreciate beauty without feeling guilty, shameful and secretive about it."
I don't feel guilty that I find boys the most spectacular things on the planet. I beleive we can admire them in a non-covetous way that lifts our hearts to praise God for His glorious creation. But ultimately for me, the real beauty of boys is not in their physical beauty (which IS overwhelming) but in their nature, in getting to befriend them, to love them, to speak and act into their lives in ways that encourage them to grow in love and godliness, to be someone important in their journey to manhood. That is where the real lasting excitement for life lives for us boylovers.

"It even feels like god is against me as other times when I see an amazing beauty pass me from the corner of my eye and I inconspicuously try to get a better look in all honesty it seems like %99 of the time they have their back turned or have their hand across their face, or end up behind some other person or object, and then the moment is gone. It makes me feel all the more like life is against me and that its all an extension of the cruel joke I've already been dealt. Why does it have to be so ?"
I experience this also. I think it's just plain and simple parinoia. There's heaps of times the boy is hidden from my eyes... but then... there are other times when he's not. I've decided it really doesn't mean anything cosmic. I don't look for signs for or against my boylovering in everyday circumstances. I look internally for a heart that is faithful and seeking to honour God, being honest about my struggles and temptations and seeking to really LOVE the boys God has placed in my life.

Blessings to you muchly
Cat.