Usually my method of coping in life is to break down a complicated problem to its most simplest forms however in this instance I failed...

1- Assessing The Problem": "I'm a boy lover whos made the choice stay cellebate, however this loneliness and having to miss out on love and not being able to share my life with someone is causing me great grief and pain.

2- Accepting: "I dont have a choice in who I am and no amount of anger, resentment or hurt is going to change that or make a life of cellebacy or my loneliness any easier."

3- Coping: "I have to just put up with the cards Ive been dealt by keeping myself busy, and trying to find hapiness elsewhere and hopefully when I die I will be at peace in the next life.

But despite my coping tactics it just dosent get any easier. I have evaluated the situation over and over again and decided for me I dont ever want to have an intimate realationship with a boy, its agaisnt my morals, my beliefs, and personally I dont think I could live with myself if it ever happened, I could write a book on explaining why I think its wrong on so many levels but I wont get into it here. All im saying is I want to be happy and content with my life but I want to do it without ever being with a boy.

Some would suggest having a pet, or a lot of good friends, or finding love elsewhere but I've been there and tried that and it seems nothing fills that big void that only a lover, a soul mate or a partner can fill, I feel the emptiness of not being able to share my life with someone. Ultimately I wish I was just a regular heterosexual or homosexual person and be a part of experiencing the great gift of love and romance, being able to wake up with someone in the mornings and share the joys and the pain the day had to offer.

Somedays are easier than others but those bad days really choke me up, that burning heavy tight painful sensation full of sadness and resentment, it seems to rise from the void in my chest or maybe from my heart and encompasses my whole body and flows out in the form of choking tears. Sometimes I repeat over and over gain..I wish I was never here, I wish I never existed.

I feel stuck here and often I've wished I was dead but then during certain involuntary near death experiences I find myself praying for survival and to live and then afterwards I get angry at myself for wanting to continue on with this misery, why is it so hard to die especially when my life is so painful and meaningless.

Ocassionally I get a momentory sense of excitement for life when I catch a wiew of a breathtaking boy in some random public place, but it is short lived when I look up to find their parents staring at me or some other person looking at me. Whilst the rest of the world is humping like rabbits I dont even have the basic freedom to use my eyes to appreciate beauty without feeling guilty, shameful and secretive about it.

It even feels like god is against me as other times when I see an amazing beauty pass me from the corner of my eye and I inconspicuously try to get a better look in all honesty it seems like %99 of the time they have their back turned or have their hand across their face, or end up behind some other person or object, and then the moment is gone. It makes me feel all the more like life is against me and that its all an extension of the cruel joke I've already been dealt. Why does it have to be so ?