As I mentioned in my last post here, I was away from the computer for a while and didn't have a chance to continue our discussion. Just in case you check back, I wanted to clarify a few things and perhaps leave you with a cautionary note. I'm not going to go into great detail since you made it clear you are no longer interested in what anyone here has to say and may not read this at all.

First, let me say I wasn't trying to chase you away. But neither am I going to stay silent if I don't agree with something someone posts here, as I don't expect others to stay silent if they disagree with me.

One thing I wanted to clarify is that when I said pedophilia was part of me but not who I am, I meant that although I am a pedophile, that doesn't define me as a person. The way I worded it might have appeared as if I was both admitting my pedophilia and denying it at the same time. It's understandable that you may have been confused by what I said.

When you said that at the core of child love was the desire to be sexual with children, I didn't know you were using the term child love as a euphemism for pedophilia. I thought you meant that anyone's love for a child was derived from a sexual attraction. The theory you propose, that all pedohiles' love for kids comes from sexual attraction has been debated on this forum before. It's kind of like the chicken and egg, which came first. My belief is that for me, and for most pedophiles in general, our love came first. I believe that God gave me an above average love for boys and an above average empathy, so that I can relate to them better than the average person. I thank God for this. But somewhere along the line, my extreme love for boys crossed over into sexual attraction also. I don't believe THAT is from God. Maybe some wires got crossed in my head, or some chemical imbalance, or maybe past experiences worked together. I don't know. But I don't believe I love boys simply because I find them sexually appealing. You see, I also love little girls, and I have no sexual attraction to them at all. It doean't take sexual attraction for me to love someone. So I thank God for my love of boys and resist the sexual side of it. You think this is denying what I am. I say I'm merely controlling a desire to sin. Everyone has desires to sin. Some of my desires are just less socially acceptable. It doesn't mean it's ok for me to indulge them.

This brings up another point. You said you wouldn't choose to lose your sexual attraction to little girls. I've heard that before, usually on boychat. But I think what is at the heart of such a statement is the fear that if you lose the sexual attraction, you will also lose the love. I wouldn't want to lose my love for boys either. But I can assure you that it's possible to have the love without the lust. My love for girls proves that. I feel I could love boys so much easier and more openly if I didn't have this yearning inside me to be sexual with them that I have to remain ever vigilant to control.

Your ideas about what defines a pedophile and a child molester are interesting, but inaccurate. A pedophile is someone who is sexually attracted to minors. (I'm not going to get into all the different ages and such) Even if someone never has sexual contact with a child, if he has that desire, he's a pedophile by definition. Henceforth, not all pedophiles are molesters. A moleaster is someone who HAS sexual contact with a child. You're right that some molesters are merely looking for an easy target and choose those easiest to seduce. So not all molesters are pedophiles. You may not like the word, but it is what it is. I didn't make up the meanings.

The biggest problem I have with your position is that, in essence, you are making yourself your own god. You believe only the parts of the Bible that conforms to your way of thinking and discount the rest. You rely mainly on direct revelation to temper your acts and opinions about right and wrong. You totally ignore the fact that you can be deceived by satan or yourself. This position is so fraught with danger for the Christian that it's really beyond description. Just because you may earnestly want to follow God doesn't mean He is going to whisper in your ear everything He wants from you. That's what He gave us the Bible for. I'm not going to take the enormous amount of time to try to explain all the dangers since you may not even read this. But I STRONGLYY encourage you to seek out some counsel from a mature Christian you trust, such as a pastor or priest.

You say you want to leave to find others like yourself. That may not be so easy. You're a Christian pedophile that doesn't believe the Bible and feels sexing children is something we should strive for. That's an extremely narrow position.

I want to leave you with one word of caution. We all have free will. BUT, and this is a very important but, if you are truly a Christian and truly have surrendered your will for God's, you have basically given God permission to intervene in your life as He sees fit. God has an extreme amount of patience, but it isn't infinite. If you continue down a path He doesn't want you on, especially if you detrimentally affect the lives of others (children), sooner or later He is going to get your attention, if you know what I mean. Now if you're just playing some plastic Jesus game and are just giving all this Christian stuff lip service, God may not intervene. But I know from personal experience that God chastens His own. I'm thankful for that because it keeps me from straying too far from the path He would have me follow. But it's damned uncomfortable when He does it.

I understand why you want to believe as you do. Pedophiles understand this more than anyone else could. I love boys. I love them so much sometimes it hurts. I want to take care of them, nurture tham, keep them from harm, and yes, have sex with them. In my mind, that would be the ultimate expression of my love, that I could give them physical sexual pleasure. It would make me feel so very close to them, almost to the point that our souls could unite. There are times that I feel my life would be totally empty, worthless, and meaningless if I don't get this kind of relationship with a boy. I think you feel the same way about little girls. But it's a lie straight from hell. You CAN live a worthwhile fulfilling life without having a sexual relationship with kids. As pedophiles, we need to grab onto the scripture where God tells Paul that His grace is sufficient. We need to grab onto that and hold on with all our might, because it's true. There are many joys God has planned for us. But we won't find them if we go our own way.

Dakota