Semonides: Females of the Species

The first thing you should know is: Zeus made ten different kinds of women.

One he made from a long-bristled sow. Covered in mud, filthy, rolling on the ground, she wallows about the whole house. She doesn't wash herself or her clothes, just sits on the dung-heap and grows fat.

The second he made from a wicked vixen, the kind of woman who knows everything. No bad thing gets past her, not a bit, nor does anything good. Often she calls something bad, even if it is good; she has one attitude one day, and changes it the next.

The third he made from a bitch: a petty-minded creature, just like her mother. She hears all, wants to see all, and peers into everything! As she wanders around, she BARKS, even if there is no human being around to be seen! A threatening man doesn't stop her; an enraged man who knocks her teeth out with brick doesn't stop her; a man speaking kindly doesn't stop her; that fact that she's sitting among strangers doesn't stop her; there's just no way to stop that impossible BARKING she does!

The fourth one is a crippled thing the Olympians shaped from clay and gave to man. This kind of woman knows neither good nor evil, not a scrap. The only thing she knows how to do is eat. She's so dumb, that if Zeus sent a terrible storm to freeze her, she wouldn't even have the wit to pull her chair closer to the fire!

The fifth is like the sea; she has two sets of thoughts. One day she laughs, and is as happy as the day is long. A man from outside might praise her then, seeing her in the house: "Of all the men I've visited, none has a better wife than this, nor more beautiful!" The next day, she's insufferably touchy; you can't look at her, you can't approach her, she's just crazy, as fierce as a bitch over her pups, and harsh-spirited to everyone, treating friends and enemies alike!

Just so the sea is often-times calm, glassy, unruffled; a great joy to sailors . . .in the spring-time. But often at other times it rages, the battle-ground of heavy-slamming waves. And that's exactly what this kind of woman is like, in her female humors. For the sea is unstable by nature.

The sixth was made from a much-beaten ass with a gray coat. She finds it hard to get her fill of brute force and abuse, all of which she enjoys and considers pleasing. But meanwhile she eats in the back room by day, and she eats by the hearth at night; likewise, as far as the business of Aphrodite, she will accept any partner that comes along.

(Like, this FUGLY guy's poem wasn't complete without a wife-beater, and a wife-beater who blames his wife for getting beaten, at that! "Let me tell you about my wife, who MAKES ME BEAT HER." Look up some psychological articles on wife-beaters and the kind of cognitively distorted things they say and think. This kind of "she can't get her fill of being beaten" sounds like some sick heterosexual shit to me.)

The seventh from a sex-weasel, a nasty, pathetic kind of creature. There is nothing really good or desirable about her; what appeal she has gives neither joy nor pleasure. She's completely crazy about sex, yes, but the man who is with her gets sick of it! How low is she? She goes to funerals to steal the holy offerings before they're burned, and eats them! It's a great scandal to the neighborhood.

The eighth from a long-maned, throughbred mare, who turns up her nose at the drudgery of slavish work. She won't touch the mill, or work the sieve, or throw the dung out of the house, or sit in front of the oven, dodging soot. Her life-style makes her husband friends with Harsh Necessity. Every day she needs her cleansing baths -- two or three -- gets anointed with myrrh -- must have her long hair combed and garlanded with flowers. So this kind of woman is a beautiful sight for others, but is no good to the man who has her, unless he's a tyrant or a scepter-bearing king, the kind of man whose heart is made glad by all that kind of thing.

The ninth, from a monkey! For men, this is the greatest plague Zeus ever made! Her face would turn your stomach; this kind of woman, all the men laugh at her as she goes through the town, her neck is so short. She is all legs and no butt -- she can hardly move -- Oh, pity the husband, who has to embrace such a goblin! She knows all the turns and tricks, just like a monkey. Public ridicule brings her no shame. Do someone a good turn? By no means! She spends the day turning over this plan and that, for how she can do someone the worst possible evil!

Ah, but the tenth was made from a bee. A man might be happy at getting such a wife. She alone avoids all charge of blame. A man's whole life blooms and flourishes under her. As a loving wife, she grows old with her loving husband, and she bears lovely children you can brag about. She is a treasure among women, her behavior is becoming, and a divine grace plays about her. She does not delight to sit among women when they reveal the secrets of Aphrodite. This kind of women is Zeus's most gracious gift; the best woman of all; she is really quite sensible.