Lately, I've been thinking about the continued worth of my existence. I've completely stopped caring about college and my future, all of that stuff I see now as crap. I feel like I've lost my purpose. Maybe not lost, but I feel like it's not enough. Lately I've been thinking about what God wants me to do. I've thought of everything God would have me here for and when I thought about it all, I realized that I don't think there really is a purpose I'd be satisfied with. I'm so stuck. I feel like I should live for other people but everyone tells me I should do things for myself. I don't have any real desires or any ambition. If I live for myself, I might as well quit everything now and just lay in bed withering away in my one piece of obscurity. I don't really like anything here anyways. I figure "Why should I have to deal with things I don't care about?" Sure, I could keep living, go through college and get a job. My future is easily imaginable but then I die in the end and I ask myself, "What's the point?" I don't want to leave a print in this putrid society. I could care less about the people around me. Kids? I don't even think I could get married if I wanted to.

The thought of why I exist haunts me every day. I think of killing myself but then my feelings hinder me from doing so. There's always that fear of not knowing what's going to happen. I've thought of hell and sometimes I think it'd be worth not having to deal with this fabricated reality. I feel as if nothing is real.

I was never much of a religious person to being with but I thought, "All of these people seem to be living just fine, Why not see what it's like?" but it didn't feel right. I feel like existence has absolutely no meaning and living.....Heh, why should I? At first I thought I was scared of "Reality' but then what the fuck IS the "reality?" I hate it when people use that fucking word. Reality? I don't even think there is such a thing.

I'm in such a bind. I look around and everyone is functioning just fine. I've asked them about existence and they feel the same way but why I am I the only one who seems to feel so trapped? Maybe I'm just naturally depressed? I don't know what to think anymore. Any advice?

Paranoid....>>