Hi bigcalv,

I'm afraid we all probably have to deal with this delema in a greater or lesser degree. It is so difficult to be sexually attracted to something that the world finds so wrong. That and most Christians find it wrong as well. We as Christians want to honor God in our friendships with boys, so we try very hard to be celebate and to love them with our hearts. I can only speak from my own experience here, but it isn't impossible.

I had no idea that I was going to enter into such a relationship when I first met "L", and I did not have the words to describe such a friendship that I have now either. It was before I knew anything about Boylove or even knew there was a name for such a thing. I had always thought of myself as the worst kind of uncontrollable monster. I always thought that if I had even half the chance, I would probably do something really bad to a young boy. I also feared what might happen to me even if I did nothing to a boy, but someone accused me of wrongdoing anyway. So I both feared myself and I feared being around boys. In some ways I'm still battling these fears today, although they have changed somewhat because my circumstances have changed. I lived in a world of fear back then (not so much today, thank God) so it was amazing that I would actually be able to have such a close relationship with a young boy, but miracles do happen.

"L" was a miracle to me, and I was the same for him. I believe with all my heart that God brought the two of us together because we both needed each other so much, and that the time was right for both of us. I thought I was a monster, but God knew better. He knew my heart better than I did. It wasn't the first time that I felt love like that for a boy, but it was the first time it became so intense. All of the other adult males in his life either ignored him or treated him badly or with indiference; so when I came along, he reached out to me with such neediness. And without knowing much about what I was doing, I reached out to him too. I felt all of the old sexual stuff, of course, but the love in my heart won out every single time I was around him. It was so strange at first...and so beautiful. His smile never failed to give me a smile and his laughter warmed my heart like a bowl of chili will warm your stomach on a cold winter's day. The love in my heart grew with every encounter with him until the other thing, the sexual thing, was almost forgotten....almost. I wish I could say that it had dissapeared altogether, but I can't. It was always with me, hanging around like some unwanted guest at a party.

I did my share of praying that God would do something, just take it away or something. There were times that I prayed and worked myself into deep dispare and tears. But nothing happened, it was still with me. Finally I decided to just accept that fact and try to live my life the best I could. I was never sexual with "L" and I am so glad about that fact to this day. Our friendship grew to become something that I find hard to describe with mere words. It was a once in a lifetime friendship that was so special that every other significant adult in his and my own life recognized it as such. Well, some of the people that I knew weren't quite so accepting, but I didn't care because love ruled my heart at that time. There were times that sexual temptation bothered me, but I simply went to the bathroom and "took care of business", if you know what I mean. To this day I believe that God gave me the strength do do so.

I beleive that God put "L" and I together because we really needed one another and God could see that we would both be good for one another. I'm not sure if I will ever have such a relationship with a young boy again, I certainly hope so. But I DO have all the memories, and that is worth a lot to me. I also have the knowledge that if I ever have that opportunity again, I will be able to be the kind of good, Christian friend to a boy that God would want me to be. Not perfect, but at least good enough to be able to be an influence that is positive and right. But the important thing to know is that it won't be all on my shoulders to do this; that God will do His part when the time is right. I believe He will do the same for you as well, bigcalv. If He can do it for me, He can do it for anyone. He loves all of us the same.

With Love in Christ,
Chris