Boy watching is an interesting topic

I often wonder about how much I enjoy looking at boys. It manifests in many ways for me... one of my favourites being watching boys in movies. This is so much bigger than wanting some kind of erotic gratification. Like sure a beautiful boy is wonderful to behold and I'll be honest and admit that I'm checking out every inch of him... even wondering about the hidden parts.... but I don't go so far as to imagine sexing him up. Like for example... Thomas Sangster... OH MY GOSH... but I've never had a sex fantasy with him in it. I read novels about boys... I always see boys in the supermarket... I see youtube boys and boys boys boys every-bloody-where I go. Am I obsessed?... Do I look at boys too much?... Is my boy lookering sinful? Should I not be enjoying myself so much? These are the things I wonder. Not sure I have all the answers. But I do know this... I love these boys.... not just their physical beauty... but their personalities and style and interests and fears and emotions of every sort, just everything about them... hmmm ... is "love" the right word to use? Maybe not. But I know I want to love a boy like this in every way I can and in reality in every holy way I can. I figure I'm taking delight in God's creation... I have a very similar experience when I'm walking in a rainforest... overwhelmed by beauty... looking at every little detail. If I was walking about with my hand in my pocket having a go while I looked at boys then I'd think myself a perv... If I turned my lookering into sexual fantasy later on when I was tugging I'd think myself a perv... but to just enjoy... to soak in some boyishness... I just don't feel so bad about that. So what do I think about when I fantasise? I guess some of my boy experiences do fuel that fire... but well I try to make up as much of that stuff as I can.... and avoid putting real boys in there. Is it a losing battle? Have I sacrificed holiness to boy lookering? I crave an outlet for my boy energy. This stuff is better than turning to porn. God have mercy on us all Blessings Cat.