what are the things I can actually do to make life less painful for myself ?

I have some suggestions:
1. Learn to accept that society is predjuical... but they won't condemn you for what they don't know. And that not everyone is like that. There are lots of people who will accept and love you for who you are... folks in here for instance. You are not alone in the world.

2. Learn to separate what you desire from who you are. You have desires and morals that conflict. Every human alive practically has to live with that. We just can't all have what we want... that's life and it's ok. What you desire is not as important as what you DO. At the end of the day you are defined by what you do... not by what you want to do.

3. Stop thinking you have a disease. Boylove has some great aspects. I myself consider it as a brokenness that has to be managed... but not one that I'm going to let me stop living life or loving boys in a non-sexual way.

4. Finally abandon this dead-end philosophy: "I will never know what it feels like to be loved hugged or kissed". You may never get to have a boy as a lover... but you can live with that... but why deny yourself perfectly healthy non-sexual affection. Make healthy relationships with people of all ages and genders and I guarenttee you that you'll get loved hugged and kissed.... and it will be wonderful.

Blessings
Cat.