I know EXACTLY how you feel. Most people here know exactly how you feel because we have gone thru the same things. First of all, regognize that you were made by God. If you hate yourself, you are hating something that God has made. And remember that you are loved by God, just as you are. You do not need to change to be loved by God. He loves you right now, just as you are. No one is perfect, and everyone has burdens to bear. But people's burdens and imperfections do not in any way separate them from the love of God. That's what Jesus died for, so we could have a relationship with God, even in our sinful state.

I applaud you for setting boundaries. Most of us here (but not all) believe that we should never be sexual with a boy, both for the boy's sake and for ours. But that does not mean you can't still love boys. Personally, I find great comfort in simply loving them. I don't like the lustful thoughts that sometimes enters my head, but I very much like the love I feel for them. I can look myself in the mirror without shame because I keep the sexual side of my attractions under control. But I think burying the good side, the Godly love, would be wrong and abusing a gift God has given me. You see, I believe the love I have for boys is God given. Somehow, things got messed up and sexual attraction is also there. But that isn't God's fault. He gave me a great gift and my sinful nature has somehow let perversion enter into it. But that doesn't mean I should reject the gift entirely.

You say you will never know what it feels like to be loved, hugged, and kissed. This just isn't true, unless you make it be true. In the culture I'm in, boys don't kiss other males much, but I have loved and been loved in return by boys. And I have been hugged quite often. Hugs are perfectly acceptable, although it's generally best to let the boy initiate it. And let me tell you, there is nothing in this world like a warm sincere hug from a boy. Hugs do not have to be sexual to be enjoyed.


You ask what you can do to make your life more livable and less painful. The first and most important thing you can do is to accept yourself. God has accepted you, so who are you to question His judgement? Just look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you have attractions you must deal with, but that it's not going to control your life. You aren't going to let it define you as a person. EVERYONE has issues to deal with. Ours happens to be something society loaths, which makes things more difficult. But it doesn't make us bad people. Keep in mind that attractions can't be controlled. Only actions can be controlled. So we control our actions and accept and deal with our attractions.

Sometimes it's difficult not to let all the crap you read and hear about people with our attractions get to you. But most people simply don't understand. And some just need someone to hate, and we're prime targets. So we keep our attractions a secret for out own protection. But don't ever start to believe what others say about us. You should hold you head up high, because you are dealing with your attractions in an honorable way. I doubt most pedophile haters would do as well if they had the same attractions. So be proud of yourself, as I'm sure God is proud of you. Unfortunately, there will still be some pain in your life. That's unavoidable. But it doesn't have to be constant pain. There is still much joy in this life, even for people such as us.

Dakota