I keep hearing 'accept yourself.'
No. Accepting this... literally is accepting defeat.
I will not live like this forever.
It's all how we bounce off of each other. That's not something i have the patience to explain again. My buddy, he is the PERFECT person for me to bounce off of. He couldn't be less gay. Which, when I look at other things... obviously had God put a curious person, or a gay or bi person in the spot he was in, we would be in deep mess. But no, God STRATEGICLY place Buddy in my life. My PERFECT reflector. One who builds me up, and is impossible to bring down. I will not accept this as normal. It's not. One day, I want a wife and kids, and my own stories to tell, and my own group of kids to be with and teach. I DO NOT want to be attached to Buddy the rest of my life, so that we are not together, I go insane. No, not happening. I also refuse to put him through this torment. We have a really honest relationship. And he knows what I know. Like, we're guys right? We can see eachother naked, right? NO. I told him I couldn't handle it. So he changes in the bathroom. I tell him about my dreams and my fantasies I have. He hates them all, but he prays for me and encourages me to be a stronger person. THIS IS NOT NORMAL or okay, and I am all certain, that this isn't who God wants me to be. Maybe some people are meant to live attracted to men/boys just constantly refusing to lust. No, not me, after my epic adventure I have been on, it's just all comes down to this last poison. After making my self worth '0'. I found someone I could trust. Buddy. If I can break free from this, I can normally and positivly affect all those around me. Accepting myself is not an option. People may say 'gay' isn't disease. Well i don't have it anyway. In any porn I look at, I see him.. and me. I never think of anyone. No one is beautiful, just him. When we are together, magic happens. We could watch glue dry, and it would be fun. But as if this we're a chess game.. God always wins, and Buddy was a good move. I can just see this is supposed to go somewhere, but it hasn't yet.

"It's all in my head, if you want, you can look inside.
Nothing but red, and the mess that I've made."


"Let us be cold, make us weak
Let us, because we all have ears
Let us, because we all have eyes."