She came and apoligised tonight for wishing I'd go kill myself. She said she didn't mean it. I knew that and accepted her apology. I told her that even though I knew it, that it still hurt.

We talked, she believes that I'm having trouble being attracted to her because I don't want it enough.
Because I would rather hold onto my idenity as a boylover.
Because I won't quit fantasising about boys.

I do want to be attracted to her... how easy would that make my life.
True though I do like my identity as a boylover and I do value it... but I believe that is because I value myself... and a boylover is what I am... not (as she would believe) what I've chosen to be.
But I don't know that my BL identity conflicts with my not liking women. There are pleanty of BLs I've been told that have great sexual relationships with women. So it's not either/or.

My problem is that I think females are MEGA UGLY! from a sexual perspective. I don't think my liking boys has anything to do with that. I could happily like both (gosh IF ONLY!).

How do I tell her I'd rather lose it all than keep sexing her?
or maybe.... maybe I should just dive back in the deep end of pretending and just go throw up when she's not looking so I can keep all those I love.

Could that ever be a Godly path?
Blessings
Cat.