I wonder, Cat, if this could be a message for you wife as well.
See, she probably mistakes sex for love.... At least a part of her personality seems she does.

Only she would be able to change that. So I wonder if she goes through much of the same troubles as you did (and keep to do) with boys.

I. e. to refine herself until reaching a stage on which she would be able to love you and at the same time having no (or infrequent) sex with you.

So if this would actually be like I wrote (it is, of course wild guesswork) the question occurs to me if you actually do her a favor in acting like you would "have to" have fun having sex with her.
Ideally, having sex with another human being stems from a very intimate and spontaneous situation.

You "Should" like sex with her in my opinion makes the experience lacking both the spontanity and the intimacy of it.

From what you write, I am convinced that you love her and that she loves you. Which is a great gift in itself. There are many human beings here on this planet, who never ever experience it for their whole lifetime - to be able to love and to be able to recieve love.

Namaste,

Sushil

P.S.: No pun intended.
Forgive my bad command of english, but I hope you get the general idea.