Bittersweet happiness.

So my wife and I are at divorce papers stage. :( I've reluctantly admitted that I can't keep sexing with her. I want to keep trying but every time I do it I feel like crap afterwards and she feels hurt that I feel that way. I've told her that I still want to be with her in a sexless relationship but she says it's not enough. She feels so hurt and rejected. I did woo her so sweetly all our married life... but it was based on a lie. And now the truth is out I can't go back to it. I feel so ashamed of what I've done/am doing to her. I am robbing her of her true love. She's in love and I'm taking away the object of her affections despite having promised myself to her for life. She still has such strong feelings for me... I think that my situation must be devastating to her. From her perspective, the guy who she believed has loved her passionately for nearly 20 years, suddenly tells her that he can't stand sexing with her... my gosh! It's too much to comprehend. Three things stop me sinking into despair. Firstly, I know I didn't do this to her maliciously. I never set out to hurt her or deceive her. I got married in great hope that we would succeed. Only time and experience proved me wrong. Secondly and more importantly, the grace of God. I have a deeper appreciation for His grace the more I come to terms with what a mess I've made of things. "God have mercy" is my constant prayer and I know He does. Finally, I really do want to be with her (though she has trouble believing that). I want to have feelings for her... I want to be able to give her sex... heck I'd be happy if I could just do it without feeling sick afterwards. In the mix of all this regret and sadness and shame comes my yf. And I feel such JOY at his very existence. Accepting myself as a Boylover has brought such freedom and peace to my spirit. Listening to some music this morning that made me think of my feelings for boys in general and my yf specifically I was dancing down the street. The joy feels so good, but it's bittersweet... cause when I think about how good it feels to be in love, then I remember that my wife is in love and her lover has rejected her. So I'm walking along, crying and laughing back and forth as I think... wife... boys... wife... boys.... It's just crazy. I also think its crazy to be swapping a real life companionship with her for such a restricted complicated and ever disappointing hope that I'll get a long term yf who'll stay in my life. But.... I need to be honest. I need to be who I am. Your prayers are all much appreciated guys. Thank you. Blessings Cat.